It's the 4th week of school now and yet I decide to finally sit next to Heki in class. Why is that? I mean all the other times I would be sitting in the back, and she doesn't see me so she sits near the front. Same thing happened again today....but why did I pick up my stuff and move to the seat next to her?

Maybe cause I haven't sat next to her in class for the longest time, thus while there....I felt some things. I haven't written poetry for the longest time, yet in class today I suddenly started writing again.....she was dozing off so she didn't see the poem I'm assuming. Even if she did, she made no gesture to try and read it.

So near yet so far...
So close yet cannot approach...
The pain devours all my thoughts...
The suffering devours all my senses...
How I wish I could just reach out and grab your hand...
But reality of my brain overtakes the feelings of my heart...
Everyone, everywhere seems to be you...
Every thought, every image consists of you...
Why did I fall for you?
How am I supposed to feel when I am with you?
What am I to act like around you?
When will this pain and suffering subside?
Who am I to you?
And I ponder off if you ever think about me the way I think about you...

After class ended something happened.

I asked her how long she was going to be in the computer lab for and she said around dinner time which was 5ish. So then I asked her who she's having dinner with. She said with "them." But who this "them" with I had no idea so I just thought it was with her dorm mates. Then I asked her if she wanted to have dinner together tonight.....but then she said "it's friday isn't it?" I got confused for a bit, then I realized what she was talking about, which was the dinner get-together with our roommates for next year.

Not long after, we got out of the classroom and I went to the restroom. Since she didn't follow in I assumed she left already, but when I left the restroom, she was outside waiting with two of her other friends. I assumed she was waiting for someone else or something else, so I just walked passed then with a semi-wave to her, but I highly doubt she saw it. At the moment I passed by them, I saw her brushing her hand against one of her friend's face. This is just a small gesture that probably didn't mean anything, but somehow, someway I felt like my heart suddenly dropped and became really heavy.

I really wonder why I felt like I had 失戀 when in reality there isn't a relationship going on.

Though I don't really know why I had that feeling, but it made me realize that she actually means something to me. What she means to me though....I have no idea yet. More than a friend...probably. But as a lover? I don't know if its up to that point yet. I won't deny that the feelings for her is still here.

But after feelings like I had just 失戀......maybe its time for me to let these feelings go so I don't fall deeper and farther than I should. After all.....a future with each other for three years is a lot.....who will know what might happen......