Heading over to Berkeley today on the shuttle at 2:15pm.
Main reason I tell people why I'm going is to visit some friends and give a surprise to a friend whom I haven't seen for half a year.
But....there's also another reason. I feel the need to get away from here. I feel like I can't breathe anymore, can't think straight. Too many thoughts going in and coming out of my head too quickly. I need to clear my head. That's why I'm hoping a change of surroundings....even for a little while....will help me.

朋友 Friendship

當大部分的人都在關注你飛得高不高時，
只有少部分的人關心你飛得累不累 ---
這就是友情

while most people are concerned with how high you fly,
there's a small group that cares about how tired you get ---
that is friendship.

抑鬱症

I am diagnosing myself with 抑鬱症. Why?
I feel the need to. I can't think of any other reason why my mood is so down and feeling so useless. Tricia asked if there was anything wrong with me, but I reassured her there wasn't. But I know there is and I know she can see through my fake smile.

I attempt to keep my daily routine and pretend like there is nothing wrong. I can lie to the whole world, but I cannot lie to myself. Pretending like nothing is wrong is worse than letting something know what's wrong. But what can I say, it seems like I'm always prone to keeping problems to myself rather than letting others help me.

I feel like I'm back into my wall. But I want out. Expect....I can't get out without help.

Where is she, the one that will save me?

愛過太深　原來身體會疑問
再沒法可適應別人
.....
.....
.....
在愛上妳的那瞬間 就困在圍牆裡面
.....
.....
.....
我情願我狠心憎你
我還在記憶中找你
......
......
......
耿耿於懷從前的愛

Prisoner of Love

I’m a prisoner of love
A prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

平気な顔で嘘をついて
笑って嫌気がさして
楽ばかりしようとしっていた

ないものねだりブルース
皆安らぎを求めている
満ち足りてるのに奪い合う
愛の影を追っている

退屈な毎日が急に輝きだした
あなたが現れたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

病める時も健やかなる時も
嵐の日も晴れの日も共に歩もう

I’m gonna tell you the truth
人知れず辛い道を選ぶ
私を応援してくれる
あなただけを友と呼ぶ

強がりや欲張りが無意味になりました
あなたに愛されたあの日から
自由でもヨユウでも一人じゃ虚しいわ
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh もう少しだよ
Don’t you give up
Oh 見捨てない　絶対に

残酷な現実が二人を引き裂けば
より一層強く惹かれ合う
いくらでもいくらでも頑張れる気がした
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

ありふれた日常が急に輝きだした
心を奪われたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me
一人にさせない

-------

I’m just a prisoner of love
A prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

I smiled, my face lies with its unconcerned look
I felt disgusted
I never took anything seriously

Teasing the blues that weren’t there
Yearning for peace for everyone
I’m already satisfied, yet I struggle for more
chasing the shadows of love

The monotonous everyday suddenly began to shine
It was from the day that you appeared
Even if I’m lonely or suffering, I was able to think that I’d be ok
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Even when I’m sick, even when I’m recovering,
Even if there’s a storm, even if the weather is clear
Let’s go for a walk together

I’m gonna tell you the truth
I choose the hidden, painful path
But you still support me
You’re the only one I consider a friend

Greed and shows of courage have now become meaningless to me
It was because I fell in love with you that day
Even if I’m free, even I have more than I wanted, being alone is really lifeless
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh it’s just a bit more
Don’t you give up
Oh don’t you ever abandon me

If this cruel world ever tries to split the two of us apart
Our attraction will just become stronger
I realized that I’ll never stop trying, no matter what, no matter what
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

The incredible amount of ordinary days suddenly began to shine
from the day you stole my heart
Even if I’m lonely or suffering in pain, I was able to believe that I’d be fine
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me
Don’t let me be alone

I know when I'm not wanted.

The more you want something, the further away it drifts.

傻小子

I've finally let go of Heki =)

傻小子

主唱：周柏豪
作曲：周柏豪
填詞：Fiona Fung
編曲：周柏豪
監製：陳光榮

遇過太多人　很吸引　偏偏不相襯
沒惻隱心　摧毀以往的愛恨
常令我　被稱作壞人

負過太多人　今天我
變了受害人
用虔誠來待你　任旁人來揭秘
形象太錯太壞　怎可愛得起

傻小子　妄想找到優美開始
要你看穿這心意　卻跌一跤很諷刺
來又去　仍是不可篡改天意
只可領受報應　被你進攻流血不止

傻小子　最終剩低只有羞恥
看見你走不得已　要挽你手卻太遲
緩慢腳步　掩飾不到我心事
當一切沒有意義　埋藏著我所有往事
再次面試

像我這種人　終於也
變了受害人
用虔誠來待你　任旁人來揭秘
形象太錯太壞　怎可愛得起

傻小子　妄想找到優美開始
要你看穿這心意　卻跌一跤很諷刺
來又去　仍是不可篡改天意
只可領受報應　被你進攻流血不止

傻小子　最終剩低只有羞恥
看見你走不得已　要挽你手卻太遲
沉殿過後　悲傷始終化不掉　　
即使靠面試治療　難忘是你當天心跳　我已累了

I made the decision to drop the course. It wasn't really an abrupt decision. I used a few days to think about it. Since part of my fear is fear of failing, why not drop the course and give myself less stress and more time for the other courses? I decided that this quarter I'm aiming to achieve at least in A-/A for the 3 letter grading classes I have left. I know I'll probably start slacking off and such, but since I have made this short term goal, I'm gonna go through with it. I already made my mistake taking my spare time for granted. I'll pull my GPA up that way it'll be one less thing for me to worry about. Now I finally feel like I'm doing what I should be....

Taking it a step at a time.

I feel like I'm back into one of the old phases I had in my life.
Except this time without the suicidal thoughts....hopefully.

I feel clouded in the dark and I can't seem to find the light.

Basically, I have no clue what to do with my life. I can't seem to figure out what I want anymore. Yeah, I want to graduate college, get my degree, work and continue on in life. But it isn't as easy as it seems. I don't know how I'm gonna graduate college. Well yeah....study, pass classes and graduate. But what am I going to study in? What's my major?

Right now I'm under Computer Science and Engineering, but is that what I really want to do for the rest of my life? I'm really not feeling a future for myself programming every single day of my life. Hell, right now I don't even know if I can pass my current programming class, which is why I'm debating inside my head whether or not to drop it. I have until April 25th to decide.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Timo Cruz
Coach Carter

But where is my light?

In front of the patient I act if nothing is wrong and keep a smile on my face.
But when I'm alone my smile turns upside down into a frown.

We can fake our expressions to everyone.
But we cannot lie to ourselves.