Dear Kai,
I tried, I really did. I know I did some wrong. I'm not perfect, what can you expect right? And here I'm am trying to mend things and clear up the air. But what does she do? Nothing. I said I wouldn't try anymore, but here I am still trying. I know whenever I say negative things, I tend to never do them. That's how I am and she should have known. I'm fucking trying really damn hard to fix this. Because for all I know, I sorta start this, not purposely of course. I was just expressing my emotions out on my xanga. I didn't expect anyone to read it, because no one ever does anymore, aside from net friends who still do update their xanga.
Gor...I'm really tied. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I honestly don't know how much long I can hold up anymore....I'm trying really hard right now to keep everything in and not breakdown...
Tell me what I should do......
- Drained
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Dear Kai,
I don't know how much more I can take. Two pieces of shocking news in the same week and one right another. If I receive another one within these next 2 weeks.....I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I don't know what's worse. To find the second piece to be true or a joke. If its true, then I'll just be healing internally from being sad. But if it was a joke, I would be angry and feel once again, betrayed. A feeling I never want to experience ever again, because if that is the case.....my trust in those few people will be broken, and hard to repair. Honestly, am I being put through a test? If so, why me? How I wish you were here by my side and comforting me.....I don't know how much more I can take....I don't know how to pull through this.....
- Hurt
I don't know how much more I can take. Two pieces of shocking news in the same week and one right another. If I receive another one within these next 2 weeks.....I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I don't know what's worse. To find the second piece to be true or a joke. If its true, then I'll just be healing internally from being sad. But if it was a joke, I would be angry and feel once again, betrayed. A feeling I never want to experience ever again, because if that is the case.....my trust in those few people will be broken, and hard to repair. Honestly, am I being put through a test? If so, why me? How I wish you were here by my side and comforting me.....I don't know how much more I can take....I don't know how to pull through this.....
- Hurt
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dear Kai,
Guess what Gor! My housemate Toby and I were chatting today in her car about the people we like and what not. And while we were walking back, she told me that Heki asked her before if I liked her. You remember Heki right? Yep, she's the one that I used to have a crush on during freshman year. She isn't the dense type, so she felt it, but I think she might have felt it at a wrong time, haha. When she asked Toby, we were already housemates and I didn't have a crush on her anymore. Well, I guess having a crush on her wasn't so bad either. At least I know now she isn't the type to avoid people when they 'feel' that someone has a crush on them. Oh well~~ But yeah, just wanted to let you know about that. =] Hope you're doing well!
-Amy Law
Dear Kai
I've decided to change my blog title to 'Dear Kai'
I admit, it was really a sudden decision, but it fits and it'll work.
But I'm keeping the same link address, because as much as I want to change, I don't. This blog has been with me a long time and you were there from the beginning. And I'm keeping it that way.
I really miss you dear brother.
From now on, I will blog this as a journal. But not only is it a journal, its more of letters to you. Hoping that you'll read them from where you are. To keep you updated on what's going on. Because without you, I feel empty, yet at the same time I feel like there's no one I can turn to.
You were are a huge part of my life.
The rock in my life.
The one that kept me going.
The one that let me know I could move forward.
The one person in my life that knows the real me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The 5 Stages
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
These five stages that I never thought I would go through so soon again in my life. Myself, a psychology major, I can tell everyone else around me how to deal with grief. I can tell them how they're supposed to take care of themselves. I can help them heal. But I can't help myself. Like they say 能醫不能自醫, so very true.
I know I have to grieve. I know I have to go through those stages. But I don't even know if I've started or where I'm at. I know I'm forcing myself to postpone it. And I know it's very unhealthy for me. But humans are hypocrites. They do the opposite of what they say. I can tell people "don't worry, I know what I'm doing." But do I really? I do yet I don't. I can feel it within myself how I'm suppressing it. And in the end, I know sooner or later my mind and body will reach its limit.
I'm trying, I really am. But I just can't help to do what I'm doing.......
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
These five stages that I never thought I would go through so soon again in my life. Myself, a psychology major, I can tell everyone else around me how to deal with grief. I can tell them how they're supposed to take care of themselves. I can help them heal. But I can't help myself. Like they say 能醫不能自醫, so very true.
I know I have to grieve. I know I have to go through those stages. But I don't even know if I've started or where I'm at. I know I'm forcing myself to postpone it. And I know it's very unhealthy for me. But humans are hypocrites. They do the opposite of what they say. I can tell people "don't worry, I know what I'm doing." But do I really? I do yet I don't. I can feel it within myself how I'm suppressing it. And in the end, I know sooner or later my mind and body will reach its limit.
I'm trying, I really am. But I just can't help to do what I'm doing.......
Monday, June 1, 2009
Trials and Tribulations
As we grow up, we go through different levels of trials and tribulations. When we were younger, our obstacles were overcoming our fear of the dark, riding over the hill, etc. But now that we're older, when we look back, we smile at those memories and wished we could go back to those days where things weren't as complicated.
The older we get, the more complicated life gets. We discover new things about ourselves as we grow older. And sometimes a few of those things puts even bigger obstacles in our paths. Overcoming them ourselves is one thing, but after you've climbed that obstacle, an even bigger one gets in the way.
The older we get, the lonelier we feel. As we grow older, we experience different feelings. Some feelings you want them to go away forever, but other feelings, you want to experience again. And once you've experienced that feeling, lost it, you yearn for it once more. And as you grow older, you expect more because you've put in more. But that's not how it goes unfortunately.
The older we get, the more complicated life gets. We discover new things about ourselves as we grow older. And sometimes a few of those things puts even bigger obstacles in our paths. Overcoming them ourselves is one thing, but after you've climbed that obstacle, an even bigger one gets in the way.
The older we get, the lonelier we feel. As we grow older, we experience different feelings. Some feelings you want them to go away forever, but other feelings, you want to experience again. And once you've experienced that feeling, lost it, you yearn for it once more. And as you grow older, you expect more because you've put in more. But that's not how it goes unfortunately.
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