Sometimes I wish I was just a cold blooded killer, that way I don't feel and won't give a crap about anything that happens around me.

But I'm not.

So I feel.

And sometimes I rather not.

我應該怎麼對你?

你對我忽冷忽熱.....那我應該怎麼對你?
Some days you seem to be fine talking to me.
Other days you seem so distant.
Some days you seem to like to joke around.
Other days you seem so cold.

Today, you were joking around, having fun, talkative, laughing, smiling, and giggling.

And it just makes me feel even more confused. As a friend, and maybe even as a potential.

It makes me wonder if I can open up to you. Yeah, I tell you random things, but there are deeper things you don't know about me that aren't shown on the outside. And I want to know your inside too. Don't you feel the connection that we seem to have? Maybe you do, and maybe that's why you seem to be physically distant? Are you though? Or is that just how you are?

There are so many unanswered questions I have about you. I want to be straightforward and ask, but I don't know how to start. And I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

I feel suffocated.
I don't know how to handle you.

Love Life Prediction

Nothing interesting happened today, besides getting my fortune read. In a short summary, overall I have a good life. Then I asked about my love life. On the scale of 1 to 10, my love life is currently 3. Figured.

But the next time I will be in a relationship will be within a year, academic year. I will meet this person in class. And I think it was either....I will be in a relationship in April, or I will meet the person in April, can't quite remember. And the person is not older than me.

We shall see if this comes true, therefore this post shall is here just for the record.

Sometimes I find that being the omniscient point of view can have its negative aspects. You see things going on both sides of the party, and when you realize that one side is having affairs that the other side can't see, you can't tell. But I guess sometimes it's better off not knowing rather than knowing. It isn't fair, but life isn't fair. But you can help but feel helpless....you can do something about it, but you just can't either. The contradictions of life. *sigh*

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On another note, I just finished watching a Japanese drama called Galileo. Yeah...when I first saw the name of this drama I was like "huh?!" But after reading reviews and synopsis, I gave it a try and I got addicted and loved it. The point of me mentioning this isn't to introduce this drama, rather to make a point. But if you haven't watched it, you should, if you like mysteries.

The drama is solving criminal cases, but these cases are based on 'supernatural' phenomenons. The main lead is a male physicist professor. He goes on helping the female lead, who is the detective, to resolving these cases by proving the supernatural phenomenons aren't supernatural at all, rather they were created somehow, someway.

The whole drama revolved around science. And truthfully, I love science. I like physics, I think it's interesting listening to how these theories came upon, especially about space, stars, and galaxies. But in the end, I didn't go on to study physics. Instead I went onto Computer Science and Engineering and that didn't work out so well either.

Point is, though many of us when we were younger we wanted grow up and have a career in something that we were deeply passionate about. But in the end, how many of us actually make that come true? Because I certainly didn't and probably am not going to. Back in the days, I used to be super shy, more shy than I am now. Now I consider myself to be more social. Who would have thought back then that eventually I would be changing majors into communications? Because I certainly didn't. Thing is, there are many of us who have things we are passoniate about, but we never pursue them as our future careers. Because sometimes it can lead us from loving it to hating it. Like the saying goes, "there's a fine line between love and hate." And that line isn't too hard to crossover. Or sometimes we just aren't meant to do what we want and instead, we do something we never thought of. Life is full of surprises.

We can't always be who we want to be, then why not make the best of we can be?

Meaning of Life

I was never asked this question until today, and it came from someone I didn't expect.

"What's your meaning of life?"

My meaning of life? Its a hard one to answer no doubt. I couldn't answer it directly, but I did answer it indirectly. Basically I said that my goal in life was to life my life to the fullest, with no regrets. Sounds simple right? But I don't think it's that easy to do. There are many obstacles to overcome, many paths with multiple forks in the road, and other things that we will come upon that will not only affect us, but others as well. And within all this I try to make a decision that can seem to be 'perfect.' But perfect in whose eyes? Mine? Yours? Theirs? I know I always put others before me. Why I do this, I don't know, maybe it's just how am I. It might be my nature, or it could be nurture, but we all know that it's both combined. 先對得住人, 就可以對得住自己。That way I won't regret what I do. But whether or not it's the best for me is a completely different story. It might be a stupid way to live life, but it's just me. And thinking about it....it's probably why I get down in the slumps when I think about what others have that I don't and all the other depressing and negative stuff.

And from what I appear to be, having a smile on my face and seeming to be that there are no worries in my life, I am the total opposite.

But in the end, what is the meaning of life to me?

You're hot then you're cold

It's surprising how affected I can be by people's mood/the way they treat me. Or rather, let me rephrase, how one person can affect me so greatly. At times you can be warm and funny, tease me and laugh. Then after I turn around, you treat me cold and distant, like someone who doesn't matter in your life. Maybe it is just how you are. Your mood changes quickly.

But what you don't know is that your mood also affects my mood.

And the oddest thing about this is that we're just friends. Normal friends. Not best friends or close buddies. Just friends.

So why do you have such an affect on me?

Mutual Attraction

Mutual attraction, in simple terms, you like the person and the person likes you too. But it isn't always easy to tell.

There is some force that has been pulling me towards this person whenever I'm with her. But I cannot place what it is. And sometimes, I think that its mutual. When I'm with her, I long for any type of physical contact. Just being close to her, makes life more brighter. But whether this is mutual or not, I don't have a single clue. And I can't confirm it because I really don't know what this force drawing me towards her is. For sure, it isn't lust. And truthfully, although she has entered my mind a few times, she has never lingered as a prospective person for me to think beyond friendship. And she still hasn't.

So what is this force of attraction and is it mutual?

These may be questions that I may never have answers for.....

The older we get, the faster time passes by. And the older we get, the more we step into this world, the more people we meet. I've met lots of people and they're all unique in their own ways. But one similarity that they all seem to have is that the all seem to just....come and go.

I have friends, lots of them. I won't deny that fate allows me to meet them and we become friends. But fate also let these people meet other friends of mine. And somehow these friends, through my acquaintance become friends with one another and even become best buddies/friends. Which makes me wonder, am I only here to link people together? Am I part of the "fate" that these people meet?

Maybe I'm trying to hard to become me. But who is "me"? I thought "me" was just me, someone who is themselves and tries their best to be themselves. Then why does it seem that when I am being just "me," there's more people that are coming and going in my life....I can't seem to find that comfort of belonging anymore. Do I not belong here then? In the end, am I just an outsider in people's lives?

I feel that I'm starting to be annoying because, at least to me, I seem to always talk about myself. I'm not trying to be conceited, I really am not. But I feel that somehow no one seems to care about me. I mean yeah, there are people who ask me "Hey, how have you been?" But these people I only see once in awhile, therefore it's somewhat expected that they'll be asking me that question. But the people I thought I could share all my thoughts and feelings with...don't seem to be interested.

Friends are one of the most important things in my life, if not, the most important. I take the initiative to keep in touch and see what's going on in their lives and let them know that I'll always be there for them. But I'm getting tired. I put in so much effort to be a friend, but in the end, I get a feeling that I am a nuisance to them.

I have a smile on my face everyday. I seem very carefree and without problems or concerns really. And there's not one person that can see through this mask and know that deep down inside I am more troubled and lonelier than I appear to be.

Nobody seems to know who I really am.

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

我是不是只是一個過路人?
在每一個人心中都不重要?
I try to be there for everyone....
And usually I'm there.
But is there anyone there for me....
And there never seems to be.