'Dear Kai'

2009-11-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Kai,

I tried, I really did. I know I did some wrong. I'm not perfect, what can you expect right? And here I'm am trying to mend things and clear up the air. But what does she do? Nothing. I said I wouldn't try anymore, but here I am still trying. I know whenever I say negative things, I tend to never do them. That's how I am and she should have known. I'm fucking trying really damn hard to fix this. Because for all I know, I sorta start this, not purposely of course. I was just expressing my emotions out on my xanga. I didn't expect anyone to read it, because no one ever does anymore, aside from net friends who still do update their xanga.

Gor...I'm really tied. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I honestly don't know how much long I can hold up anymore....I'm trying really hard right now to keep everything in and not breakdown...

Tell me what I should do......

- Drained

2009-10-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Kai,

I don't know how much more I can take. Two pieces of shocking news in the same week and one right another. If I receive another one within these next 2 weeks.....I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I don't know what's worse. To find the second piece to be true or a joke. If its true, then I'll just be healing internally from being sad. But if it was a joke, I would be angry and feel once again, betrayed. A feeling I never want to experience ever again, because if that is the case.....my trust in those few people will be broken, and hard to repair. Honestly, am I being put through a test? If so, why me? How I wish you were here by my side and comforting me.....I don't know how much more I can take....I don't know how to pull through this.....

- Hurt

2009-08-28T01:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Kai,

Guess what Gor! My housemate Toby and I were chatting today in her car about the people we like and what not. And while we were walking back, she told me that Heki asked her before if I liked her. You remember Heki right? Yep, she's the one that I used to have a crush on during freshman year. She isn't the dense type, so she felt it, but I think she might have felt it at a wrong time, haha. When she asked Toby, we were already housemates and I didn't have a crush on her anymore. Well, I guess having a crush on her wasn't so bad either. At least I know now she isn't the type to avoid people when they 'feel' that someone has a crush on them. Oh well~~ But yeah, just wanted to let you know about that. =] Hope you're doing well!

-Amy Law

Dear Kai

2009-08-28T01:20:00.000-07:00

I've decided to change my blog title to 'Dear Kai'
I admit, it was really a sudden decision, but it fits and it'll work.
But I'm keeping the same link address, because as much as I want to change, I don't. This blog has been with me a long time and you were there from the beginning. And I'm keeping it that way.

I really miss you dear brother.
From now on, I will blog this as a journal. But not only is it a journal, its more of letters to you. Hoping that you'll read them from where you are. To keep you updated on what's going on. Because without you, I feel empty, yet at the same time I feel like there's no one I can turn to.

You ~~were~~ are a huge part of my life.
The rock in my life.
The one that kept me going.
The one that let me know I could move forward.
The one person in my life that knows the real me.

The 5 Stages

2009-06-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Acceptance.

These five stages that I never thought I would go through so soon again in my life. Myself, a psychology major, I can tell everyone else around me how to deal with grief. I can tell them how they're supposed to take care of themselves. I can help them heal. But I can't help myself. Like they say 能醫不能自醫, so very true.

I know I have to grieve. I know I have to go through those stages. But I don't even know if I've started or where I'm at. I know I'm forcing myself to postpone it. And I know it's very unhealthy for me. But humans are hypocrites. They do the opposite of what they say. I can tell people "don't worry, I know what I'm doing." But do I really? I do yet I don't. I can feel it within myself how I'm suppressing it. And in the end, I know sooner or later my mind and body will reach its limit.

I'm trying, I really am. But I just can't help to do what I'm doing.......

Trials and Tribulations

2009-06-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

As we grow up, we go through different levels of trials and tribulations. When we were younger, our obstacles were overcoming our fear of the dark, riding over the hill, etc. But now that we're older, when we look back, we smile at those memories and wished we could go back to those days where things weren't as complicated.

The older we get, the more complicated life gets. We discover new things about ourselves as we grow older. And sometimes a few of those things puts even bigger obstacles in our paths. Overcoming them ourselves is one thing, but after you've climbed that obstacle, an even bigger one gets in the way.

The older we get, the lonelier we feel. As we grow older, we experience different feelings. Some feelings you want them to go away forever, but other feelings, you want to experience again. And once you've experienced that feeling, lost it, you yearn for it once more. And as you grow older, you expect more because you've put in more. But that's not how it goes unfortunately.

友誼之光

2009-06-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

友誼之光

人生於世上有幾個知己
多少友誼能長存
今日別離共你雙雙兩握手
友誼常在你我心裏
今天且有暫別
他朝也定能聚首
縱使不能會面
始終也是朋友
說有萬里山
隔阻兩地遙
不須見面
心中也知曉
友誼改不了

2009-05-10T01:28:00.000-07:00

唔再追求係唔係等於放棄?
放棄係唔係等於再無希望?
再無希望係唔係已經完了?

Unexpected.

2009-05-07T23:53:00.000-07:00

Life is full of unexpected events. One day you could be really happy cause you've had a good day at work or at school. Then the next day, you aren't in the world anymore. But its the unexpected events that remind us we're alive. Its the events that remind us we should live life with no regrets. Its these events that remind us that life itself is very fragile. These events are the things that remind us we should fight with our lives to live the life that WE want to live.

Unexpected events are unexpected. That's why we should fight everyday and live life to the fullest.

Stephen, although I'm not down in San Diego by your side, but I'm there in spirit. Wake up soon, everyone is waiting for you. To hang out, to chill, just to be around you. Best wishes, Amy.

Spring Time = Down Time?

2009-05-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

Lately, I haven't been my usual self. Less energy, antisocial, withdrawn, etc. Maybe this is me, and the other me that's usually high in energy, social, open is someone else. I don't even know anymore. Facebook, the social network that helps us keep in touch with friends that not in the same city. Sometimes when I see friend who are back in San Diego with new photos, wall comments and what not, I envy them. I feel that after being away I don't belong there anymore. My clique is up here now. But even so, I haven't really found my clique either. I feel lost. Drifting around, not knowing where my destination is and how long it will take me to get there.

I feel like its getting harder for me to strip away the mask I wear during the day so I can be who I really am at night. Thinking about it, last year around exactly the same time it is now, I was feeling depressed, lost, out of place like I am now. Is spring time my down time? It seems to me that I tend to work on opposite cycles of everyone else.

Funny how bad memories tend to pop up more often and quicker than good memories do. Sometimes I wish my life was more interesting, though I'm sure others can argue with me saying how my life is already interesting. But to me it doesn't seem to be. Sometimes I wish I had times people envy me for, and maybe they do. And sometimes I wish I wasn't the only person who puts effort into trying to keep a friendship going by keeping updated with everyone else's life. I envy all my friends who are still in SoCal and they always hang out. It seems that after coming up to NorCal....I've been forgotten. And I don't seem to exist until I show up in front of their face. Though there are a few exceptions, but others don't seem to care much.

Lost in the dark sea, where no one seems to see me.
No light shining anywhere around, not even a dim one.
How much longer do I have to stay at sea?

Down

2009-05-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

I'm suddenly feeling down once again. Sometimes I wish a lot of my posts weren't so depressing. But the only for that is cause I don't have anyone to share things with, hence why the posts are usually depressing. I don't even know why I'm feeling down. But I do wish for someone to care for me. It seems like I only belong when I'm wanted. But even so, it seems I'm only around to be useful. They try to include me in whatever they're joking with, but if it doesn't fit, then it just doesn't fit. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I just wish there was someone there for me where I can just call them up anytime and know that they'll be there for me. Just hearing their voice would make me feel better.

But there isn't anyone like that in my life. There's a wall up that I don't seem to be conscious of until I think about it. When will this wall be climbed again? Is there really someone who will be willing to climb it? I really hope so, otherwise one day the wall will be blown up and nothing will exist anymore.

我還在等什麼

2009-03-28T02:12:00.000-07:00

我還在等什麼?
我也想知道答案。

陳豪 ─ 我還在等什麼
作曲：楊毅　
作詞：張美賢

得到這麼多　怎麼感覺未快樂
走得這麼近　是否真正沒隔膜
開心這麼多　為何活著如幻覺
爛醉擁抱哼句歌　然後又　又怎麼

前行萬里捨不了當初　你早掉低我　但沒有別離過
旁人帶著艷羨　來說實在期望想做我
但我一顆心　卻永遠反鎖

人來人離這麼多　從來無人進入心窩
永遠記住前事我也覺得折磨　如早已預知的後果
如何看清楚　日落提示分針下的歲月如梭
若果繼續這樣傻　我都失笑感觸我
看著時日過　我還在等什麼

最熟悉的陌生人

2009-03-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been watching a lot of 超級偶像 and so far my favorite section is 唱給最愛的人, in which the choose a song they sing for the person they love. After watching it, I had thoughts, if I was in that position, what song would I sing and for who? First was thinking for my parents, but I couldn't think of a song. But then someone else came to mind and a song too. If you still read this, I think you should know I'm talking about you, haha. It's a sad song, but its not I haven't moved on. It's just.......that it's true. The song title speaks for itself.

最熟悉的陌生人
作詞：姚謙　
作曲：柯肇雷　
編曲：Azlan Abu Hassan

還記得嗎　窗外那被月光染亮的海洋
你還記得嗎　是愛讓彼此把夜點亮
為何後來我們　用沉默取代依賴
曾經朗朗星空　漸漸陰霾　嗯～

＃心碎離開　轉身回到最初荒涼裡等待
　為了寂寞　是否找個人填心中空白
　我們變成了世上　最熟悉的陌生人
　今後各自曲折～　各自悲哀～

△只怪我們愛得那麼洶湧　愛得　那麼深
　於是夢醒了擱淺了沉默了揮手了　卻回不了神
　如果當初在交會時能忍住了　激動　的靈魂
　也許今夜我不會讓自己在思念裡　沉淪

Repeat　＃,△

我們變成了世上　最熟悉的陌生人
今後各自曲折～　各自悲哀～

只怪　我們愛得那麼洶湧　愛得　那麼深
於是夢醒了擱淺了沉默了揮手了　卻回不了神
如果當初在交會時　能忍住了　激動　的靈魂
也許今夜我不會讓自己在思念裡　沉淪

也許今夜我不會讓　自己在思念裡　沉淪～

Losing Balance

2009-03-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I made a blog post. And that's because I've been pretty busy. I haven't even kept updated with my Chinese blog that I have to write for class. Oh well.

But I've been losing my balance in life. I'm a full time student, taking 21 units this quarter (5 classes), working a part-time job, and involved with a club and some events of other clubs. Busy right? The whole point of trying to make myself to so busy was to not let myself have time to feel/think about things that I don't have in life right now. But it isn't working. In fact, its doing the opposite of what I wanted to do and all this work is taking a toll on me now.

I read some of my old posts before I decided to blog. And I'm seeing patterns. There always seem to be a period where I wonder if my existence really matters in this world. Now I feel that I've reached the stage of wanting emotional attachment and emotional belonging and I wouldn't give a care to what anyone feels/thinks and what not.

I've always known that I would most probably place love ahead of anything else. 重色輕友, something I say to my friends that I wouldn't do, but I know in the end that I will. I try my best to please everyone, but I guess in the end it doesn't seem to matter because in the end whatever I did, its taken for granted by almost everyone.

Like they say, "nice guys finish last." And I guess that applys not to just guys.

2008 Roundup

2008-12-31T23:04:00.001-08:00

I thought I wasn't gonna make it to make a roundup post about 2008, but I guess I did.

2008 was a fun year, but nonetheless also full of ups and downs. New school, new people, new friends, new life. At first I loved my new life, and then after the honeymoon period, it sorta went downhill. By downhill it was mostly just psychological and internal conflicts I had. Externally, everything seems pretty good. Short roundup on 2008, but it was a pretty good year.

Goals for 2009
- Lose some weight
- Start kickboxing/boxing
- Get a job
- Get overall GPA 3.0+

Those are my main goals, but anything else good that happens, I wouldn't mind. For example, start dating again.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009!

Happy New Year!

Why do I even bother?

2008-12-02T01:45:00.000-08:00

Why do I even bother?
Knowing that whatever I am trying to do is useless.

2008-12-01T00:14:00.000-08:00

Someone who can lie to himself/herself is lonely and in pain.

I agree.

2008-11-27T02:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I was just a cold blooded killer, that way I don't feel and won't give a crap about anything that happens around me.

But I'm not.

So I feel.

And sometimes I rather not.

我應該怎麼對你?

2008-11-26T00:08:00.000-08:00

你對我忽冷忽熱.....那我應該怎麼對你?
Some days you seem to be fine talking to me.
Other days you seem so distant.
Some days you seem to like to joke around.
Other days you seem so cold.

Today, you were joking around, having fun, talkative, laughing, smiling, and giggling.

And it just makes me feel even more confused. As a friend, and maybe even as a potential.

It makes me wonder if I can open up to you. Yeah, I tell you random things, but there are deeper things you don't know about me that aren't shown on the outside. And I want to know your inside too. Don't you feel the connection that we seem to have? Maybe you do, and maybe that's why you seem to be physically distant? Are you though? Or is that just how you are?

There are so many unanswered questions I have about you. I want to be straightforward and ask, but I don't know how to start. And I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

I feel suffocated.
I don't know how to handle you.

Love Life Prediction

2008-11-21T00:31:00.000-08:00

Nothing interesting happened today, besides getting my fortune read. In a short summary, overall I have a good life. Then I asked about my love life. On the scale of 1 to 10, my love life is currently 3. Figured.

But the next time I will be in a relationship will be within a year, academic year. I will meet this person in class. And I think it was either....I will be in a relationship in April, or I will meet the person in April, can't quite remember. And the person is not older than me.

We shall see if this comes true, therefore this post shall is here just for the record.

2008-11-18T01:52:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I find that being the omniscient point of view can have its negative aspects. You see things going on both sides of the party, and when you realize that one side is having affairs that the other side can't see, you can't tell. But I guess sometimes it's better off not knowing rather than knowing. It isn't fair, but life isn't fair. But you can help but feel helpless....you can do something about it, but you just can't either. The contradictions of life. *sigh*

------

On another note, I just finished watching a Japanese drama called Galileo. Yeah...when I first saw the name of this drama I was like "huh?!" But after reading reviews and synopsis, I gave it a try and I got addicted and loved it. The point of me mentioning this isn't to introduce this drama, rather to make a point. But if you haven't watched it, you should, if you like mysteries.

The drama is solving criminal cases, but these cases are based on 'supernatural' phenomenons. The main lead is a male physicist professor. He goes on helping the female lead, who is the detective, to resolving these cases by proving the supernatural phenomenons aren't supernatural at all, rather they were created somehow, someway.

The whole drama revolved around science. And truthfully, I love science. I like physics, I think it's interesting listening to how these theories came upon, especially about space, stars, and galaxies. But in the end, I didn't go on to study physics. Instead I went onto Computer Science and Engineering and that didn't work out so well either.

Point is, though many of us when we were younger we wanted grow up and have a career in something that we were deeply passionate about. But in the end, how many of us actually make that come true? Because I certainly didn't and probably am not going to. Back in the days, I used to be super shy, more shy than I am now. Now I consider myself to be more social. Who would have thought back then that eventually I would be changing majors into communications? Because I certainly didn't. Thing is, there are many of us who have things we are passoniate about, but we never pursue them as our future careers. Because sometimes it can lead us from loving it to hating it. Like the saying goes, "there's a fine line between love and hate." And that line isn't too hard to crossover. Or sometimes we just aren't meant to do what we want and instead, we do something we never thought of. Life is full of surprises.

We can't always be who we want to be, then why not make the best of we can be?

Meaning of Life

2008-11-15T03:48:00.001-08:00

I was never asked this question until today, and it came from someone I didn't expect.

"What's your meaning of life?"

My meaning of life? Its a hard one to answer no doubt. I couldn't answer it directly, but I did answer it indirectly. Basically I said that my goal in life was to life my life to the fullest, with no regrets. Sounds simple right? But I don't think it's that easy to do. There are many obstacles to overcome, many paths with multiple forks in the road, and other things that we will come upon that will not only affect us, but others as well. And within all this I try to make a decision that can seem to be 'perfect.' But perfect in whose eyes? Mine? Yours? Theirs? I know I always put others before me. Why I do this, I don't know, maybe it's just how am I. It might be my nature, or it could be nurture, but we all know that it's both combined. 先對得住人, 就可以對得住自己。That way I won't regret what I do. But whether or not it's the best for me is a completely different story. It might be a stupid way to live life, but it's just me. And thinking about it....it's probably why I get down in the slumps when I think about what others have that I don't and all the other depressing and negative stuff.

And from what I appear to be, having a smile on my face and seeming to be that there are no worries in my life, I am the total opposite.

But in the end, what is the meaning of life to me?

You're hot then you're cold

2008-11-14T01:45:00.000-08:00

It's surprising how affected I can be by people's mood/the way they treat me. Or rather, let me rephrase, how one person can affect me so greatly. At times you can be warm and funny, tease me and laugh. Then after I turn around, you treat me cold and distant, like someone who doesn't matter in your life. Maybe it is just how you are. Your mood changes quickly.

But what you don't know is that your mood also affects my mood.

And the oddest thing about this is that we're just friends. Normal friends. Not best friends or close buddies. Just friends.

So why do you have such an affect on me?

Mutual Attraction

2008-11-12T00:57:00.000-08:00

Mutual attraction, in simple terms, you like the person and the person likes you too. But it isn't always easy to tell.

There is some force that has been pulling me towards this person whenever I'm with her. But I cannot place what it is. And sometimes, I think that its mutual. When I'm with her, I long for any type of physical contact. Just being close to her, makes life more brighter. But whether this is mutual or not, I don't have a single clue. And I can't confirm it because I really don't know what this force drawing me towards her is. For sure, it isn't lust. And truthfully, although she has entered my mind a few times, she has never lingered as a prospective person for me to think beyond friendship. And she still hasn't.

So what is this force of attraction and is it mutual?

These may be questions that I may never have answers for.....

2008-11-08T05:04:00.000-08:00

The older we get, the faster time passes by. And the older we get, the more we step into this world, the more people we meet. I've met lots of people and they're all unique in their own ways. But one similarity that they all seem to have is that the all seem to just....come and go.

I have friends, lots of them. I won't deny that fate allows me to meet them and we become friends. But fate also let these people meet other friends of mine. And somehow these friends, through my acquaintance become friends with one another and even become best buddies/friends. Which makes me wonder, am I only here to link people together? Am I part of the "fate" that these people meet?

Maybe I'm trying to hard to become me. But who is "me"? I thought "me" was just me, someone who is themselves and tries their best to be themselves. Then why does it seem that when I am being just "me," there's more people that are coming and going in my life....I can't seem to find that comfort of belonging anymore. Do I not belong here then? In the end, am I just an outsider in people's lives?

I feel that I'm starting to be annoying because, at least to me, I seem to always talk about myself. I'm not trying to be conceited, I really am not. But I feel that somehow no one seems to care about me. I mean yeah, there are people who ask me "Hey, how have you been?" But these people I only see once in awhile, therefore it's somewhat expected that they'll be asking me that question. But the people I thought I could share all my thoughts and feelings with...don't seem to be interested.

Friends are one of the most important things in my life, if not, the most important. I take the initiative to keep in touch and see what's going on in their lives and let them know that I'll always be there for them. But I'm getting tired. I put in so much effort to be a friend, but in the end, I get a feeling that I am a nuisance to them.

I have a smile on my face everyday. I seem very carefree and without problems or concerns really. And there's not one person that can see through this mask and know that deep down inside I am more troubled and lonelier than I appear to be.

Nobody seems to know who I really am.

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along,
Who’s gonna comfort me, and keep me strong?

2008-11-02T18:36:00.000-08:00

我是不是只是一個過路人?
在每一個人心中都不重要?
I try to be there for everyone....
And usually I'm there.
But is there anyone there for me....
And there never seems to be.

2008-10-31T01:06:00.000-07:00

身邊每一個人都是一對或快成了一對。
但我還是一個人。
一個沒有人喜歡的人。
一個沒有喜歡的人的人。
雖然有很多很多朋友﹐但我還感覺很孤寂。

Emptiness

2008-10-27T02:22:00.000-07:00

Watching friends one by one getting together with other people.
Talking with friends on how to handle dates.
Learning through friends that who and who are dating.
Seeing people around me walking together in pairs.

Shows me that I am missing something and I can't help feeling empty because of it.

我現在是快樂, 真的。
但是我不是真正的快樂。

"我的笑只是我穿的保護色"

2008-10-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

I have decided to drop Computer Science and Engineering. Changing both my major and college. I will be changing it to Communications, Chinese, and Psychology major. Yep, triple major. Either that or double major plus a minor. Now enough about academics, but if you want to know more, I don't mind talking more about it in the near future.

So thoughts that are running through my mind right now....
Many and not a lot. Oh the irony.
Life has been very....quiet and uninteresting for me lately. But it is a good thing in a way. But people are hypocrites. When there's a bunch of crap bothering them they want it all to stop. But when there isn't anything happening in their life, they want something to happen. And that's me right now. I'm trying to spice up my life, I mean it is college after all right? But meh, not much really going on in the social and love aspect of my life. Besides of course joining APIQ and meeting some new people. But haven't really gotten close to those people. I mean tried, but...*shurgs* haven't really gotten far.

And interestingly enough....from previous happenings in my life, the love aspect of it that is, I would somehow be infatuated with someone that I barely know that I think is cute (even though I know my taste are quite different than most people). But so far into this quarter.....there is someone I think is cute, but I'm not infatuated. At least not yet and from the processing of my thoughts lately....it doesn't seem to be affected. Or if I think a little bit more into this...could this be a sign of some sort? Hah. I wish, but not gonna go there, at least not for now. But I do wonder if there is a chance......

Oh well.

Life's all good for me now. I'm content. So we'll just leave it at that for now.

P.S. The name of the person I think is cute is K a y l e e η W a n g (google better not popup this blog as a search result is she ever decides to google her own name...) 王翎竹

2008-10-19T01:50:00.001-07:00

I think that the one of the head coordinator for APIQ is really damn cute! xD
Yeah, I just needed to blog this, hahaha xD
Because she is so damn cute!

Been Awhile....

2008-10-15T01:26:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long while since I've made a post. Current it is 1:21am and I have my alarm set at 8:20am so that's less than 7 hours of sleep. But I just feel the need to make at least a small update here.

School has started again so I'm back in Davis, away from San Diego. And it couldn't be better. The quarter is going fine so far and housemates are all cool. Met some new friends of all standings. And got to know some friends even better. After the course of summer, I have decided that this year I will focus mainly on academics. But of course I will still have my social life. I am not going to set up any hopes this year for any relationship stuff. But like they always say, expect the unexpected. Whether or not my love life takes a turn this year, time can only tell. But for now, I won't take the initiative to find myself a love life. Just gonna let it flow~~

2008-07-22T03:15:00.001-07:00

I really hate it back here. I'm already 19 years old. A legal adult, in college and although currently I cannot foresee my future, I know what I don't want. I don't want to be fucking stuck here. I really fucking hate it here. And it hella wasn't my idea to come back either. Seriously, coming back here is fucking worse than pulling an all-nighter for 3 midterms on all the same date one after another. I really wonder what the word "family" really means. I keep telling myself there are other people without families and worse off lives than mine. But seriously, I don't feel any better having a "family." Sure we take vacations together and all that "family stuff" But really now, I don't think I ever felt the affection and TLC. All I ever received were negative feedbacks and opposition to whatever the hell I wanted to do. Sometimes I really wonder if I would have been better off in a gang or something. Something that I wanted to do back in my "dark" days. I fucking hate living up to people standards who don't give any fucking good words about anything I do or attain and always asking for more.

2008-07-22T02:49:00.001-07:00

I hate how parents fucking mess with your life. Yeah, they have a right to, but only to a certain extent. They always think they know what the hell is going on with their kid's life. Yeah, they might have an idea, but that idea is fucking far off from the reality. It's MY life and I know how I want to fucking live it!

Identity Crisis 2

2008-07-16T04:20:00.001-07:00

I really wonder if many people go through a second identity crisis? Well, my first one......let's just say I figured out more about myself during that first identity crisis and I accepted who I am. But now I feel like I'm going through another one. So what does this second identity crisis deal with?

I am American born Chinese, or for short, an ABC. I was born and raised in San Diego. Back in the 90s, there really wasn't much Asians that I knew of. Mainly people were either Caucasians or Pacific Islander. And of course there were many Vietnamese Immigrants. But Chinese? There were hardly any that were 100% Chinese. While I was in elementary school, I mainly spoke English and I remember asking my parents why I can't speak English to them. And their excuse/reason was because they don't understand it so at home I spoke Cantonese. Well, elementary school went by and then came middle school.

Middle school was where everyone conformed into society. You had to be up to date with the latest gossip, school-wise and celebrity-wise. You also had to be up to date with music. In elementary school and 6th grade it was Backstreet Boys, Nsync, Britney Spears (we all know what happened to her), Christina Aguilera, 98 Degrees, etc etc. Then Lil' Bow Wow and rap started hitting mainstream and people started getting into that. Well, I was no different in 6th or 7th grade. Listening to that stuff and doing what other people were doing. Heck, there was a time that I was a wannabe gangster.

But everything started changing in 7th grade. Dad's friend's friend's son got a full ride to UCSD from Hong Kong. I remember that year too because he came one day right before 9/11. I believe that everything is fated to happen. He introduced me to 叱o 宅903 a popular radio station in Hong Kong. The first song that I listened to from there was 楊千嬅's 野孩子 and I fell in love with it. And it probably will be one of my favorite songs for like. Like they say, 先入為主. Then that summer we went to Hong Kong and China for vacation and I got even more interested in Chinese music. It wasn't that I didn't listen to it before. But I heard was oldies that my dad listens to and 四大天王 and although I had some favorite songs by them, it wasn't enough for me to spark an interest in the Chinese entertainment.

And this is how everything started. Now I've become quite informed of the Chinese Entertainment Circle (mainly Hong Kong's and some of Taiwan's). Which leads me to my identity crisis.

I was born and raised as an ABC, can't change that fact. But after one year of college (and of course high school involving the internet and meeting net friends) I cannot figure out where I belong. In short, I'm too FOB to be an ABC, and yet at the same time I'm too ABC to be a FOB. From what many of my friends say, by appearance, I look like I came from Hong Kong. I even speak Cantonese with barely an accent and I can even type Chinese (evidence above). Well yeah...I mean it's on a blog on the computer, I could have typed it. But if you've talked to me on MSN and such, you'll know I can actually speak. And I can read Chinese. Yet at the same time I hold many morals, ideals, and some aspects of my life as an American. I mean, during the senior year of high school, I really did have thoughts about joining the National Guard/ Marines/ Navy/ Army. I went through an internal debate on that and in the end decided not to. One reason is because my parents will disapprove without a doubt (like that has ever stopped me before). Second reason is because I don't think I'm tall enough and am not physically capable (though it probably wouldn't be a problem if I really wanted to join, except the height factor). And plus, one cannot really adapt a culture. Which in many cases when some of my "FOB" friends (no offense, it's just to make things more understandable) have conversations about Hong Kong or Guang Zhou, I don't understand because I never been through it.

So really, where do I stand in all this? If there was a place in the world where many people are like me, not knowing where they actually belong or who they identify to be, it would make things so much simpler. But I highly doubt that there is such a utopia. And all this leads to my future. Do I want to stay in the US? Or do I want to go to HK? But is HK really for me? Or am I destined to be somewhere else? But where is that 'somewhere else'? How I wish I knew answers to all these questions.....

The Night

2008-06-21T02:47:00.000-07:00

People have always asked why I stay up so late and usually my reply is "No reason."
But there actually is.

To me night is the only time I can have to myself. There's this unspeakable closeness that I have with the night. It's the time where I can be myself and have nothing to worry about. It's the time where I can relax and think. It's the time where I can feel that I belong.

But at times the night reminds me of solitude. It makes me wonder why I am alone in this world. It tells me that I am a lost soul wandering with no destination in mind. It makes me wonder how I'm still living through a life that isn't 'me.'

And sometimes I feel like I am the night and the night is me.

There are lights that light the way for night, but they disappear when day returns. Night will never have the full glow.

後備情人

2008-06-08T02:41:00.000-07:00

後備情人

作曲: VTX
填詞: VTX
編曲: VTX、小張
主唱: VTX

愛要保鮮有限期
暫放冰箱一刻的顧忌
可惜得不到你的歡喜
但我仍然迷戀你

期望我每次有新的朝氣
為你增添繽紛的趣味
再衷心祝福你的知己
是我仍然還想你

*寧願做你後備
不要妒忌
捨棄我又輸不起
場面到了絕地
心痛乏味
是我又我沒法抽離
每次看手機
message太傷悲
就是沒這福氣
尋回傷心筆記

我怕與她相比美
漸覺欠缺許多的韻味
彷彿玻璃相隔的心霏
像我難逃離空氣

Repeat *

你過去原來是太過吸引
不甘心從前又會身心抖震
明白了愛你需一生
無悔我又太過傷心

誰知道有後備
不要躲避
分數我又攀不起
情感怕有異味
揮霍演技
沒有自信害怕分離
仲會有轉機
似看到天機
命運或有希冀
尋求一絲真理

原因我有預備
夢想演一齣好戲

取消資格

2008-06-03T01:07:00.000-07:00

To my surprise.....F小姐 actually told me more about herself. More in a sense of revealing her current relationship status. Basically after a conversation with her, I know I don't stand a chance at winning her heart. Considering the fact that she has her heart set on a particular guy already. Also found out the type of guys she likes. ABC personality but dresses HK style.

「當選了是他　我認輸　都不可怕
最怕其實被取消資格
還不知道　拚命掙扎」

我已經被『取消資格。』

靠近...淚

2008-06-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

「坐在沒有人的角落　　
我又問自己
究竟應該繼續還是該放棄
沒有人能了解我現在的心情
想看你　
想躲你　　
難以決定」

「多少眼淚都無所謂」
但是
「我閉上眼睛不能入睡」
因為我
「只希望你給我一些安慰」

2008-06-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

Why can't I just get fucking drunk so I don't need to fucking think??

-______-"'"

There are times when I really wished that I didn't think that much.

2008-06-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't feel this happy or excited in awhile.
An unexpected thing happened today.

F小姐 took me out to dinner o_o.

I was so not expecting it at all. But when I saw her say "今晚同你去Zen Toro吧" I literally jumped out of my seat and was smiling like a maniac. It really never occurred to me that she would make such a statement.

Sometimes it makes me wonder if she knows or feels something. But most probably to her its just a normal thing. 係我自己發夢。

Dinner was just us two =] Got to know her better, but still can't say I actually know her know her. Everything now is still surface information. Hopefully one day I will get to know her more.

難以忘記初次見你　一雙迷人的眼睛
在我腦海裡　你的身影　揮散不去
只怕我自己會愛上你　不敢讓自己靠得太近
怕我沒什麼能夠給你　愛你也需要很大的勇氣
只怕我自己會愛上你　也許有天會情不自禁
想念只讓自己苦了自己　愛上你是我情非得已

P.S. She paid by the way. -_-" Makes me feel kinda bad even if she did say it was to thank me for editing her paper.

越跐越深

2008-05-31T01:46:00.000-07:00

Fiona Ka Weng Lao.

Someone that I don't think I can ever reach. I've told myself to stop and try to forget about her, but her sudden appearance from before left an impression. Now not only can I not forget her, I want to get closer to her. I know I am very 傻 but I can't help it. And I keep giving myself new hopes.

I know I've had others and such. But the feelings she gives me....is really different. Even her smallest actions can make me feel happy for the day. I think I'm falling deeper and deeper....

「深愛不等於擁有」 Can I?

「愛一個人付出才會完整
無條件　越愛就越深」

「我要一步一步一步　一步一步走到妳身邊
我要一天一天一天　一天一天愛妳多一點
不管你是　笑的　哭的　怕的　慌的　亂的
到妳的世界　不在乎為妳改變我」

2008-05-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

我想知道點解個天咁鍾意玩人。
明明已經慢慢回到現實世界﹐
但偏偏有走唔出。

Just when I know I probably wouldn't see her again and it was just me 一相情緣 I was slowly coming back to reality.....
But then she shows up again and now I have new hopes.

Why am I in this game again?

Happy & Smiling

2008-05-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt such excitement in such a long while.
I'm happy and smiling, that hasn't happened in a long time.
It's because I saw Fiona.
It was very unexpected. Hell, I was walking back from Tricia's place after playing mahjong and I was in my sleeping clothes (shorts + t-shirt) and sandals.
When I first saw her, I thought I was 眼花. But I realized it was her, but I didn't "hi" her because I didn't think she would recognize me. Then she "hi" me first, so I "hi" back. With that, happiness already filled my heart. Then we talked. It wasn't just us two though, there were 4 other people and a puppy. But it's okay. At least I know she remembers me. Maybe not my name...but at least know me.

I know I'm being stupid. But what can I say? Everyone's actions affects at least one other person in the world, whether they know it or not.

=D

2008-05-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

There's no doubt that earlier today I was feeling pretty down and depressed. But after what happened these past few hours, I feel much better. I went over to Old Teahouse around 11:30pm to get a drink, but before I went I had asked Heki over MSN if she wanted anything from there, so I got her mild popcorn chicken and a milk green tea. After I bought the stuff, went over to her place to deliver. I didn't plan on staying over for this long, but in the end, we just kept chatting and chatting. Time sure does fly. I remember I checked my phone once, and it was 12:43am. The next time I checked it....it was 2:03am already. Then the next time I looked at her computer clock, it was already 4:08am 0_0 I feel kinda bad for keeping her awake for so long because she said she wanted to sleep early. Oh well, what's done is done. I guess I can make it up to her by buying her something from Old Teahouse geh~ haha.

She never fails to calm and relax me. Even though she doesn't know she's doing it.

(Yes, I am over her already. We're just friends.)

妄想症 Delusional Disorder

2008-05-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

妄想症

是一種導致幻覺的精神疾病。它和其他精神疾病之間有一定差距，一個很顯著之處在於患妄想症者往往無精神分裂症病史，且沒有幻視產生（觸摸幻覺或味道幻覺可能會出現）。

患妄想症者可能外表很正常，也沒有奇異的行為（除非這些行為直接源於其妄想）。1999年，門羅（Munro）指出，「儘管妄想症患者的幻覺並不外露，且表現得似乎完全沒有影響，但其對於患者的影響是日益增加的。」

值得注意的是，「偏執狂」一詞曾被用於形容妄想症患者，但現在這一詞的含義已發生改變。

Delusional Disorder

A psychiatric diagnosis denoting a psychotic mental illness that involves holding one or more non-bizarre delusions in the absence of any other significant psychopathology (signs or symptoms of mental illness). In particular, a person with delusional disorder has never met any other criteria for schizophrenia and does not have any marked hallucinations, although tactile (touch) or olfactory (smell) hallucinations may be present if they are related to the theme of the delusion.

A person with delusional disorder can be quite functional and does not tend to show any odd or bizarre behavior aside from these delusions. "Despite the encapsulation of the delusional system and the relative sparing of the personality, the patient's way of life is likely to become more and more overwhelmed by the dominating effect of the abnormal beliefs". (Munro, 1999)

The term paranoia was previously used in psychiatry to denote what is now called 'delusional disorder'. The modern psychiatric use of the word paranoia is subtly different but now rarely refers to this specific diagnosis.

----------------

I think I have 妄想症.....because I keep thinking about Fiona Lao, someone I barely even know. This isn't good.

2008-04-29T01:26:00.000-07:00

Heading over to Berkeley today on the shuttle at 2:15pm.
Main reason I tell people why I'm going is to visit some friends and give a surprise to a friend whom I haven't seen for half a year.
But....there's also another reason. I feel the need to get away from here. I feel like I can't breathe anymore, can't think straight. Too many thoughts going in and coming out of my head too quickly. I need to clear my head. That's why I'm hoping a change of surroundings....even for a little while....will help me.

朋友 Friendship

2008-04-25T00:59:00.001-07:00

當大部分的人都在關注你飛得高不高時，
只有少部分的人關心你飛得累不累 ---
這就是友情

while most people are concerned with how high you fly,
there's a small group that cares about how tired you get ---
that is friendship.

抑鬱症

2008-04-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am diagnosing myself with 抑鬱症. Why?
I feel the need to. I can't think of any other reason why my mood is so down and feeling so useless. Tricia asked if there was anything wrong with me, but I reassured her there wasn't. But I know there is and I know she can see through my fake smile.

I attempt to keep my daily routine and pretend like there is nothing wrong. I can lie to the whole world, but I cannot lie to myself. Pretending like nothing is wrong is worse than letting something know what's wrong. But what can I say, it seems like I'm always prone to keeping problems to myself rather than letting others help me.

I feel like I'm back into my wall. But I want out. Expect....I can't get out without help.

Where is she, the one that will save me?

2008-04-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

愛過太深　原來身體會疑問
再沒法可適應別人
.....
.....
.....
在愛上妳的那瞬間就困在圍牆裡面
.....
.....
.....
我情願我狠心憎你
我還在記憶中找你
......
......
......
耿耿於懷從前的愛

Prisoner of Love

2008-04-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

I’m a prisoner of love
A prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

平気な顔で嘘をついて
笑って嫌気がさして
楽ばかりしようとしっていた

ないものねだりブルース
皆安らぎを求めている
満ち足りてるのに奪い合う
愛の影を追っている

退屈な毎日が急に輝きだした
あなたが現れたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

病める時も健やかなる時も
嵐の日も晴れの日も共に歩もう

I’m gonna tell you the truth
人知れず辛い道を選ぶ
私を応援してくれる
あなただけを友と呼ぶ

強がりや欲張りが無意味になりました
あなたに愛されたあの日から
自由でもヨユウでも一人じゃ虚しいわ
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh もう少しだよ
Don’t you give up
Oh 見捨てない　絶対に

残酷な現実が二人を引き裂けば
より一層強く惹かれ合う
いくらでもいくらでも頑張れる気がした
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

ありふれた日常が急に輝きだした
心を奪われたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me
一人にさせない

-------

I’m just a prisoner of love
A prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

I smiled, my face lies with its unconcerned look
I felt disgusted
I never took anything seriously

Teasing the blues that weren’t there
Yearning for peace for everyone
I’m already satisfied, yet I struggle for more
chasing the shadows of love

The monotonous everyday suddenly began to shine
It was from the day that you appeared
Even if I’m lonely or suffering, I was able to think that I’d be ok
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Even when I’m sick, even when I’m recovering,
Even if there’s a storm, even if the weather is clear
Let’s go for a walk together

I’m gonna tell you the truth
I choose the hidden, painful path
But you still support me
You’re the only one I consider a friend

Greed and shows of courage have now become meaningless to me
It was because I fell in love with you that day
Even if I’m free, even I have more than I wanted, being alone is really lifeless
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh it’s just a bit more
Don’t you give up
Oh don’t you ever abandon me

If this cruel world ever tries to split the two of us apart
Our attraction will just become stronger
I realized that I’ll never stop trying, no matter what, no matter what
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

The incredible amount of ordinary days suddenly began to shine
from the day you stole my heart
Even if I’m lonely or suffering in pain, I was able to believe that I’d be fine
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me
Don’t let me be alone

2008-04-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

I know when I'm not wanted.

2008-04-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

The more you want something, the further away it drifts.

傻小子

2008-04-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

I've finally let go of Heki =)

傻小子

主唱：周柏豪
作曲：周柏豪
填詞：Fiona Fung
編曲：周柏豪
監製：陳光榮

遇過太多人　很吸引　偏偏不相襯
沒惻隱心　摧毀以往的愛恨
常令我　被稱作壞人

負過太多人　今天我
變了受害人
用虔誠來待你　任旁人來揭秘
形象太錯太壞　怎可愛得起

傻小子　妄想找到優美開始
要你看穿這心意　卻跌一跤很諷刺
來又去　仍是不可篡改天意
只可領受報應　被你進攻流血不止

傻小子　最終剩低只有羞恥
看見你走不得已　要挽你手卻太遲
緩慢腳步　掩飾不到我心事
當一切沒有意義　埋藏著我所有往事
再次面試

像我這種人　終於也
變了受害人
用虔誠來待你　任旁人來揭秘
形象太錯太壞　怎可愛得起

傻小子　妄想找到優美開始
要你看穿這心意　卻跌一跤很諷刺
來又去　仍是不可篡改天意
只可領受報應　被你進攻流血不止

傻小子　最終剩低只有羞恥
看見你走不得已　要挽你手卻太遲
沉殿過後　悲傷始終化不掉　　
即使靠面試治療　難忘是你當天心跳　我已累了

2008-04-17T01:23:00.001-07:00

I made the decision to drop the course. It wasn't really an abrupt decision. I used a few days to think about it. Since part of my fear is fear of failing, why not drop the course and give myself less stress and more time for the other courses? I decided that this quarter I'm aiming to achieve at least in A-/A for the 3 letter grading classes I have left. I know I'll probably start slacking off and such, but since I have made this short term goal, I'm gonna go through with it. I already made my mistake taking my spare time for granted. I'll pull my GPA up that way it'll be one less thing for me to worry about. Now I finally feel like I'm doing what I should be....

Taking it a step at a time.

2008-04-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm back into one of the old phases I had in my life.
Except this time without the suicidal thoughts....hopefully.

I feel clouded in the dark and I can't seem to find the light.

Basically, I have no clue what to do with my life. I can't seem to figure out what I want anymore. Yeah, I want to graduate college, get my degree, work and continue on in life. But it isn't as easy as it seems. I don't know how I'm gonna graduate college. Well yeah....study, pass classes and graduate. But what am I going to study in? What's my major?

Right now I'm under Computer Science and Engineering, but is that what I really want to do for the rest of my life? I'm really not feeling a future for myself programming every single day of my life. Hell, right now I don't even know if I can pass my current programming class, which is why I'm debating inside my head whether or not to drop it. I have until April 25th to decide.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Timo Cruz
Coach Carter

But where is my light?

2008-04-02T01:25:00.000-07:00

In front of the patient I act if nothing is wrong and keep a smile on my face.
But when I'm alone my smile turns upside down into a frown.

We can fake our expressions to everyone.
But we cannot lie to ourselves.

2008-03-11T02:33:00.000-07:00

There is a chance and there's a testing period for it.

Many have said if there is a need for a testing period, then it isn't love. Yeah, that may be true. But a testing period can also help make certain of things. If things just don't work out, then they don't work out and we can move on and not dwell back onto the past. Thus there are no what could have been or would have been.

So many thoughts are floating through my mind. Thoughts that I can't even put into words. There are too many things that can happen. Until we sit down together and have a face to face talk, my mind won't be in a clearing.

A soul that has found a place but unsure if it will stay.

Irony of Life

2008-03-09T01:46:00.001-08:00

Irony is life.
Life is ironic.

We've said similar statements like "It won't happen." "No way this is ever gonna happen." But that's the irony in life. What you say "won't" somehow becomes "will."

I remember when I first met Jane. I knew her through facebook, but I knew one of her high school friends. Her friend always made fun of me saying how Jane and I will be together and such. But at that time, I always said "that will never happen."

Well guess what, karma is coming back at me now. During the first quarter, I would try to avoid Jane and not be close to her. But now, somehow I'm not doing that anymore. Instead, I'm more caring.

So....what am I feeling? I know it cannot possibly be because I like her. One reason, because I just barely got pass of Heki. Second reason, I just stopped seeing Jane's bad points and going to neutral. So I'm in the phase of figuring out if Jane is just a friend, or something more.

Irony and Karma sure do work hand in hand.

2008-03-07T02:31:00.000-08:00

我用別人的快樂來掩藏我的傷悲。
現在可能是一件好事﹐
但是我知道長久來說是一件壞事。
如果還有甚麼會勾起我悲傷的事﹐
一定會令我感到不能說的痛。

I didn't know I could do it.
I didn't tell myself to do it.
But I guess my subconscious did.

I haven't really talked or contacted her for almost a week. Even on Tuesday when we had class together. I had my bag on the seat to my right because I was saving it. For who, no one in particular really, just whoever came and wanted to sit there. Then Heki came to class that day. She saw me and so she chose to sit in the same row, except she sat in the seat next to my bag, which was an edge seat. I realized that, then I picked up my bag and removed it from the seat to indicate that it wasn't taken. But she didn't move. And I didn't really care. Normally seeing her I would somehow always manage to talk and talk, but this time around, I didn't. I just went on and kept doing sudoku. Even after I finished, I didn't talk to her. Instead, I took a nap. ( It was a boring lecture, what do you expect?) And to top that, I even purposely left 5 minutes earlier than when class ended. My excuse to myself was because I needed to get a seat in my next class. But in the back of my head I know it was because I didn't want to talk to her for some reason. Before I made that decision, I even debated in my head whether or not to stay until class ended and have a quick chat, but I guess my heart felt otherwise.

Normally on Thursdays I would hang around her dorm between the time of 4:30 - 5:00pm because my 4:30 is close by and my 5:10 class is right across from her dorm building. Yet this Thursday I didn't. My excuse this time was purposely leaving my math book in my own dorm room and going back for it before going to my 5:10 class.

From the beginning I didn't want to play the avoiding game, but I guess now I am. I guess it is true that you never know what will happen in the future, not even your own actions.

Rebuilding my soul.

2008-03-03T03:20:00.001-08:00

I was once a hopeless romantic.
What has happened to that part of me now?

Still a lost soul.

2008-03-01T01:41:00.000-08:00

I thought I let it go...but I guess I haven't.
If I did, they I wouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling right now.

Jealousy.

What am I jealous about? I don't actually know....but I know that if I'm jealous, that shows that I haven't let her go yet. But I assume since it's cause I can never be with her.....I only can hope for the next best thing, which is being her closest friend. But it seems that I can never be that now....and I'm probably jealous that I'm not the one she's closest with.

Why can't I just stop feeling all together so I don't have to bother with all this?

Spring break is coming soon. I really think I need. Get away from school, away from her. Yeah, there's a chance she might be going to San Diego for spring break. But even a few days away and thoughts about her not being around will hopefully make me feel better. I think at Davis since I could just bike to her dorm and be there in less than 5 minutes makes everything different. Also due to the fact that we have a class together doesn't make it any better.

But next school year we'll be seeing each other every single day. How will that make it better? It might not make it better, but at least I know it won't make things work.

On a side note....whenever I'm down, it seems that no matter how down nor depressed I am, somehow, someway.... I still seem to be able to put on a mask. Living like this is stressful.

Life is stressful and complicated.

2008-02-29T21:45:00.001-08:00

I'm suddenly feeling down for no reason.
I want to just hide.
I don't want to be found.
I just want to disappear.

But where can I disappear to?

可不可不撐下去

2008-02-28T00:53:00.000-08:00

Happy.
Relaxed.
Laughing.

That's what I am seem to be.
But on the inside...I'm feeling emotions completely different. Thinking thoughts I never thought I would think of.

I'm not who I seem to be anymore.

At this moment, I've been having thoughts about giving up. Giving up what? Giving up college. But giving up college would mean giving up my future, my life. In high school I felt stressed, but that kind of stress I could actually feel and I used that stress as my motivation to keep on going. But now in college....I feel like I'm carrying a very heavy baggage on my shoulders that I can't put it down so I can rest a bit. If I put down the baggage to rest a little, I will fall behind and lose time. But at the same time I feel like if I don't put it down, the baggage will soon overtake me and choke me to death.

On the inside, I feel like giving up. Giving up everything that I have gained here. College is fun. The people you meet here, you won't forget them. But I don't know how much longer I can handle the workload. I really really want to get just away from everything and relax. Do what I want and not feel like I'm being pulled down. I've been giving it all my best, but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough here.

In high school probably because I knew there were people who weren't as academically successful as I, which was probably, needless to say, a motivation for me to keep on going, or in other words...my subconscious probably is showing off how smart I supposedly am. But in college...I feel like I dropped to the bottom of the barrel. I don't seem to be as academically successful as I used to be. I can't find any motivation for myself to keep going anymore.

The thought of actually dropping out of college did occur to me. But there are so many factors that prevents me from doing so. One, I'm the oldest of my family and the first to go to college. Two, I need to set an example for my sisters and guide them through the rest of their lives so they won't have such a hard time adjusting. Three, if I do drop out, my family would lose face and other family members would start talking crap and there comes family drama.

Plus, due to the fact I have no idea what to major in leaves me in a blur for my future. Yeah, I'm a declared Computer Science Engineer. But I can't picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Basically, I don't seem to have a goal in life anymore.

Can I just stop and not keeping going?
可不可不撐下去。

I'm a lost soul.

祝我生日快樂

2008-02-15T03:12:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day wasn't that bad this year. Instead, I felt the spirit of Valentine's Day even though I didn't have a valentine's. But I did get a Valentine's Day present =] Thank you Tricia for the teddy bear with chocolate ^^ 甜倒入心

So for Valentine's Day, had my pass to register for classes at 8am. Then after that had breakfast and then came back to the room and made a call to Chautauqua Apartments. We got an apartment now, so we're good to go for next year. ^^ No more looking for backups, lol. Had classes, then went to take a look at the apartment, and accepted the lease. Will be signing the lease on Tuesday. In general, had a productive day.

What brought a smile upon my face was that in ECS today, Heki actually sat next to me. That action already made me feel lucky. But then we just started to talk and whisper without listening to lecture. I didn't hope for much on Valentine's Day except to see her in class. But her sitting next to me and us having a conversation and seeing her.....just made my day much much better. I still like her, but not as much. After all, it is Valentine's Day, a day you want to spend with someone special to you.

But, also had a Valentine's Day dinner with Joan, Toby, Emily, Peggy, Laura, Lisa, and Cara + BF (Ah Lok). We went to Jusco and had all-you-can eat sushi. It was fun and relaxing overall =] Spent about 2.3 hours eating and talking.

What was more surprising was that The Gang (Roommates [Shirley + Jane], Whitney, Jonathan, Kevin, and Hieu) gave me a surprise......while I was walking down the hall to go shower o_o. All were present except for Kevin =P I somewhat expected it.....since they were all acting kinda funny, but still a nice surprise nonetheless. ^^ I mean....would you ever think of getting surprised while you were walking down the hall casually to go shower and carrying clothes in one hand, a towel over your right shoulder and carrying a bag of shower stuff in another? Pretty creative place to give a surprise, haha. But they got me a shaker! =D Now all I need is the alcohol to put it to use =D

Overall....good day today =]

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T02:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day

情人節快樂

一個人的情人節

The Best Mistake I've Ever Made

詞曲：Vincent Degiorgio/Bryan Potvin/Dave Pickell
編曲：N/A

One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake

Cause suddenly I'm walking'
Down a dark street to your door
Wanting you is driving' me insane
And now my feet are standing
Where they've never stood before
Guided by a twist of fate

If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I ever made

I'm in your room
Now there's no denying'
What's in your eyes
When I look at you
Two shadows talking' but they don't make a sound
Words have lost their meaning now

And the air has turned electric
Now I know the time is right
To put myself into your hands
And suddenly I'm shaking'
As your fingers touch my skin
I don't need to understand

But If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I ever made

And if tomorrow proves me wrong
I swear I don't belong
I know I'll carry on

So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I'm so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I'll always say
You're the best mistake I ever made
You're the best mistake I ever made
You're the best mistake I ever made (I ever made)

人間蒸發

2008-02-11T01:02:00.000-08:00

I want to 人間蒸發.
I want to clear my mind.
I want to let myself go.
I want to feel again.

I want to feel the feeling of being loved again.
I want to feel the feeling of being missed again.
I want to feel the feeling of being important again.
I want to find the other half of my soul.

I want to find love again.
I want to complete my soul.
I want to have someone to care for.
I want someone to care for me.

I'm still searching for life.....
What am I living for?
Who am I living for?
Is the world worth living for?

Letting Go Once and For All

2008-02-06T05:17:00.000-08:00

I can officially say that I can once and for all let go now.

Tonight while playing Truth or Dare, Cara asked Heki "Are you Bi?" Heki straight-forwardly and firmly answered "No." Cara and Joan re-questioned here "How/Why are you so sure?" Heki reply was because she know she isn't Bi.

The question was important nevertheless, but my reaction to the whole situation is the key point I'm trying to bring up. After hearing Heki's answer to the straight, I felt nothing. I am supposed to feel heart-broken, like my heart was torn or something. But I felt nothing. So it doesn't matter to me now if Heki knows I'm gay (which she pretty much does now), if she knows I like her, nor if she's Bi/Gay.

I'm letting go of my emotions for her and moving on. She's just a good friend. She will always be a good friend and nothing more.

On a side note, Joan and Toby gave me 『明目張膽』and 送得好岩。Don't understand why? Read the lyrics below and you'll understand.

明目張膽
作詞：黃偉文　
作曲：張佳添＠宇宙大爆炸　
編曲：青山大樂隊

等　終於到夜深
才能收集上次你　留在飯店那紙巾
夜更深　不敢送贈的吻
全憑我手中的偷拍照　營造著你那體溫

＊我　如果想一世人　和你過
平時就要企後幾吋　去幻想　別要摸

＃若有　一天公開　明目張膽的愛
我怕會讓你　太意外
我的愛　只願　縮到最小　彷彿不存在
就算　我最愛你　情願好好遮蓋
化作了密碼　不公開
我一向　都慣自言自語　沒別人愛
難道你發覺我志在　就會肯滿足這期待
如若我也有權愛　同樣我也有權不必被愛

揀　偏僻角落坐
完全袒露就怕我　全部被你看情楚
待你好　只不過是幫我
成為我愛演的一個我　其實未算太坎坷

Repeat＊＃

暗裡進行更自在　不相戀　誰會受害
但願盡情地種　誰說花　需要開

若我　一天公開　明目張膽的愛
我怕會讓你　太意外
我的愛　只願　縮到最小　彷彿不存在
就算　我最愛你　情願好好遮蓋
我怕揭露了　不精彩
拆穿了　總盼望誰在意　蜜月難再
如若你發覺有我在　就結束暗戀的時代
無謂去博你憐愛　明白叫你太煩的　不是愛

如若我也有權愛　同樣我也有權揀　怎樣愛

2008-02-02T05:30:00.000-08:00

I think she knows now. I think she knows that I'm not straight. A part of me feels kinda relax that she knows now, yet it hasn't been confirmed if she minds or not. If I don't get that confirmation...I'll still feel kinda unsure how to act around her.

Today, Toby, Joan, Peggy, Laura, Heki and I were just hanging out. We sat in Thompson lounge and talked...or at least attempt to find topics to talk about. Basically Joan was bringing up all the questions and directing them towards Heki, Peggy and Laura to answer. Well...it was directed towards everyone but those three talked the least. During this "hea" period.....I noticed that Heki didn't seem too open to give much details about stuff she said. Maybe its cause I know she takes awhile to warm up to people. I'm just one of those exceptions.

Also, during this whole night I would take glimpses of her....and sometimes I would see her look my way. Maybe I can finally let go and let it flow and just be friends with her without having other thoughts. Cause during this whole glimpsing.... I felt like I can let go of her and just be friends now. Hopefully I'm right.

Oh....and I found out the attributes she looks for in an ideal partner. They must be taller than her, have something that they're good at, be good in badminton, and some other stuff I don't quite remember. Since the three I already listed.......I would never be able to fulfill them. So....why should I even bother continuing thinking that I still have a minor chance?

Time to let go.

2008-01-30T04:00:00.000-08:00

It's the 4th week of school now and yet I decide to finally sit next to Heki in class. Why is that? I mean all the other times I would be sitting in the back, and she doesn't see me so she sits near the front. Same thing happened again today....but why did I pick up my stuff and move to the seat next to her?

Maybe cause I haven't sat next to her in class for the longest time, thus while there....I felt some things. I haven't written poetry for the longest time, yet in class today I suddenly started writing again.....she was dozing off so she didn't see the poem I'm assuming. Even if she did, she made no gesture to try and read it.

So near yet so far...
So close yet cannot approach...
The pain devours all my thoughts...
The suffering devours all my senses...
How I wish I could just reach out and grab your hand...
But reality of my brain overtakes the feelings of my heart...
Everyone, everywhere seems to be you...
Every thought, every image consists of you...
Why did I fall for you?
How am I supposed to feel when I am with you?
What am I to act like around you?
When will this pain and suffering subside?
Who am I to you?
And I ponder off if you ever think about me the way I think about you...

After class ended something happened.

I asked her how long she was going to be in the computer lab for and she said around dinner time which was 5ish. So then I asked her who she's having dinner with. She said with "them." But who this "them" with I had no idea so I just thought it was with her dorm mates. Then I asked her if she wanted to have dinner together tonight.....but then she said "it's friday isn't it?" I got confused for a bit, then I realized what she was talking about, which was the dinner get-together with our roommates for next year.

Not long after, we got out of the classroom and I went to the restroom. Since she didn't follow in I assumed she left already, but when I left the restroom, she was outside waiting with two of her other friends. I assumed she was waiting for someone else or something else, so I just walked passed then with a semi-wave to her, but I highly doubt she saw it. At the moment I passed by them, I saw her brushing her hand against one of her friend's face. This is just a small gesture that probably didn't mean anything, but somehow, someway I felt like my heart suddenly dropped and became really heavy.

I really wonder why I felt like I had 失戀 when in reality there isn't a relationship going on.

Though I don't really know why I had that feeling, but it made me realize that she actually means something to me. What she means to me though....I have no idea yet. More than a friend...probably. But as a lover? I don't know if its up to that point yet. I won't deny that the feelings for her is still here.

But after feelings like I had just 失戀......maybe its time for me to let these feelings go so I don't fall deeper and farther than I should. After all.....a future with each other for three years is a lot.....who will know what might happen......

2008-01-28T02:45:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is coming up soon. I thought about being a mystery person and sending Heki something.....But I'm having lots of second thoughts about it.

I want to send her something to let her know that she has a Valentine and she won't be having a lonely Valentine's Day. But on the other hand, I don't want to because I'm scared she'll find out that I'm the mystery person. Yeah, at one point I wanted her to know I like her, but now since we're going to be living together for 3 years.....I'm having second thoughts.

I haven't moved my feelings for her in either direction. But I can't just let it go just like that. The only for that to happen is if I find a new target. Which isn't impossible....but the chances of that happening in the very near future is really slim. Yet I can't pursue my feelings for her because it would seem very awkward. Heck, I don't even know if she minds, but at least I don't think she does.

But these past 2 weekends have been really neat. I don't feel as alone anymore. There are people I can actually talk to about my relationships stuff and will actually understand =]. These aren't really new friendships, but rather more developed friendships. Getting to know these people more is awesome. And basically I'm out to more people now. Yet the funny thing is....pretty much all my future roommates know I'm not straight....except for Heki o_o.

Oh, the irony of life.

2008-01-18T01:52:00.000-08:00

How do you know when you've actually let go of someone?

I broke my own goal this week. I messaged her tonight, but it was to talk about 'business' so I'm not sure if it counts as me breaking my own goal....but to me it seems like it. =/

So how do I know that I've actually let go of her? And not try to think of her as more than a friend? Considering the fact that if I don't let go of her sooner or later....living with her might be awkward. Though knowing my own personality, on the outside it won't seem like there is anything wrong with me, but on the inside I know I will be torn apart.

Maybe that's why I decided to keep myself busy this quarter. Yeah, I say I'm taking so many classes cause I can only work under pressure, but is that really what my subconscious thinks?

2008-01-16T17:24:00.000-08:00

Need to blog this before I forget what happened o_o
So last night I had one of the weirdest dream. It was weird in a way that I never thought I would have a dream like this. Not weird in the way with monsters and such. And I'm pretty damn sure I woke up smiling o_o

The explicit details I don't quite remember. But basically in the dream, Heki and I were sleeping on the same bed. First I was sleeping then she came on the bed and had her head the other way on the opposite end. So then I moved so that I was facing her. When I faced her, I saw her smiling at me and I ask her "Hm? What's up?" But she just kept on smiling and said "Nothing." Somehow in the dream I felt that she wanted to tell me she likes me or rather...make me say I like her. But the distance between our faces was pretty damn close. So close.....that I'm pretty sure if one of use moved....something would happen.

That is pretty much all I can remember from the dream. But seriously, it seemed so real. I don't remember if I was dreaming...or if it was in reality that I told myself that I needed to call Tricia and tell her. It was literally that real.

I think I'm traveling into different dimensions while I'm asleep o_o.

2008-01-14T03:00:00.001-08:00

It's pretty much 90% confirmed that I will be living with Heki and Peggy. Knowing myself, if I am bound to see the person or talk to the person more in the future, I will not allow myself to do anything out of the ordinary, ie. allowing Heki to know about my feelings for her. I told Peggy about my feelings for Heki during winter break, but whether or not she remembers remains a mystery to me because she said that she usually forgets about it after she wakes up. Since she hasn't brought up the topic or anything of the sort, I'll just leave it as if she hasn't forgotten it and doesn't know.

I was reading my textbook and somehow I drifted off to start daydreaming. Although this was at like 2 in the morning, so whether its daydreaming or not is debatable. Basically my mind wandered off to picturing myself in a relationship with another person rather than Heki. And this person was Taiwanese. Why is it significant that the person has to be Taiwanese? Well....because my mandarin ain't that great, thus when Heki first heard it, she laughed. Which is now why I won't speak any mandarin when I am with Heki, Peggy or Laura.

But during that "daydreaming," I wondered what reactions I would receive if the person suddenly called me while I was with Heki and Peggy and I answered in mandarin and was sweet talking. Peggy's reactions wouldn't concern me as much as Heki's though. I can wonder all I want...but that's about all I can do. Will it happen, is another story.

2008-01-12T02:43:00.000-08:00

There is no doubt that I want to be in a relationship right now. Reasons why? I'm uncertain but there are probably a few factors: Some probably include: the longing of having someone to lean on; longing of having someone that I feel comfortable with physically and mentally; longing to feel that I have an important place in someone's heart; and the longing to just love and feel complete.

Heki might have just been an easy target for me because of the concerns she gave me. Her offer to sleep on the same bed with her just made everything...different. I'm not the type that can just sleep with any of my friends, especially with those whom don't know one of my biggest secrets in life. It makes me feel that I'm somehow "taking advantage" when we sleep on the same bed, even though I'm not. I don't know how they would think of me after. But its not just sleeping on the same bed factor that attracts me to her. Its probably because she came into my life at the time where I feel incomplete.

I am going to set a goal for myself this week.
Goal: Do not take the initiative to MSN, call (phone), or see Heki this whole week (unless its in the classes we have together).
I know I said I would not pursue or suppress my feelings for Heki, but that does not me I would be able to stop thinking about her nor stop contacting her. I believe that if I don't take the initiative to contact her in anyway, my feelings and thoughts of her would slowly subside.

Will it work? I have no clue.

On a sidenote.....
Heki asked me if I wanted to live with her next year. Though she asked it as a general question to a few of us, I felt lost. I wouldn't know how to answer her question if she asked one on one. If she asked me a month ago, I would have probably said "sure, why not?" straight up. But now, I have to take into concern my feelings for her. I don't want to agree to it when I know I have feelings for her. But if I don't agree now, then I most likely might not have anyone to live with next year. What would happen if I agree now and then couple of weeks later, she somehow finds out that I have/had feelings for her? How would she react? All the possible questions that could come up......but no hints on what the answers will be.

Let it flow...

2008-01-11T01:27:00.000-08:00

時間經已證明係唔會發生。
不會發生既事永遠係唔會發生所以唔雖要在阨自己。

Time has already shown that it will never happen.
What will never happen won't ever happen and there is no need to lie to myself anymore that it could happen.

And the story goes....

I thank Tricia for being a really good friend. She let me borrow her charm necklace. This charm necklace has the power of answering yes or no questions.

It was winter break and I went back to San Diego. So I thought I could use this time to wash away my feelings for Heki. It worked, really it was starting to work. Then Tricia informed me that she found this charm necklace while back in Hawaii. After we got back to Davis, she let me borrow and use it. I'm really grateful for that.

Basically my main question was 'Does Heki like me?' Unexpectingly, the charm necklace answered yes. So I asked it a few more times, and it was the same answer. As days go by, each night I would go to Tricia's place and borrow the necklace and keep asking it questions, mostly concerning Heki and my love life.

Wednesday came along. Tuesday night I asked if I would see Heki on Wednesday, and the answer was a no. So throughout the day I wasn't expecting and seeing Heki. Then, I see her. This started proving the answers on the necklace were incorrect. Feelings and thoughts were running through my mind that I couldn't comprehend anymore. So it was back to the necklace again. But what didn't happen that night wasn't important.

Thursday, the day our Chemistry Placement Exam scores comes out. Tuesday night I remember asking the necklace questions concerning how Heki would do on it and if she would stay in Davis for this weekend. Answers were: Heki would not pass the placement exam and that she would stay in Davis for the weekend.

But it proved to be wrong once again. Heki passed the placement exam and should be going home this weekend.

Even before all this happened, I was overwhelmed with all the answers I was getting to my questions. So I asked myself, "真的會發生嗎?" And told myself, "就讓時間告訴我們。"

And proved to be true now, if some things aren't meant to be, then they will never be. We can always lie to ourselves and find comfort in answers we want to hear. But reality will always be reality.

After this event, not that I won't use Tricia's necklace anymore (I still will, most likely), I can finally let my curiosity rest. I had thoughts about if there will ever be a "we" with Heki and I. And can/will Heki and I be together? But now I know the answers. Whether or not we will be isn't important anymore. What is meant to be will be. What isn't meant to be won't be. Now I can fully let go of my feelings for her.

By "letting go" I mean by just letting things flow. My feelings....I won't suppress them nor will I pursue them. I will just let them be. But I won't deny that at this moment I still do like her, more than just a friend. But will I later?

順其自然吧~

2008-01-11T01:23:00.000-08:00

A new blog....well, not really. But a new start at least.
Memories cannot be erased, but I can put them behind me.
This is just for random thoughts and to jot down random spur of the moment emotions that I don't know how to tell people.
Hopefully this will allow me to be able to keep my "Everything is fine" mask on most of the time.