Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I really hate it back here. I'm already 19 years old. A legal adult, in college and although currently I cannot foresee my future, I know what I don't want. I don't want to be fucking stuck here. I really fucking hate it here. And it hella wasn't my idea to come back either. Seriously, coming back here is fucking worse than pulling an all-nighter for 3 midterms on all the same date one after another. I really wonder what the word "family" really means. I keep telling myself there are other people without families and worse off lives than mine. But seriously, I don't feel any better having a "family." Sure we take vacations together and all that "family stuff" But really now, I don't think I ever felt the affection and TLC. All I ever received were negative feedbacks and opposition to whatever the hell I wanted to do. Sometimes I really wonder if I would have been better off in a gang or something. Something that I wanted to do back in my "dark" days. I fucking hate living up to people standards who don't give any fucking good words about anything I do or attain and always asking for more.
I hate how parents fucking mess with your life. Yeah, they have a right to, but only to a certain extent. They always think they know what the hell is going on with their kid's life. Yeah, they might have an idea, but that idea is fucking far off from the reality. It's MY life and I know how I want to fucking live it!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Identity Crisis 2
I really wonder if many people go through a second identity crisis? Well, my first one......let's just say I figured out more about myself during that first identity crisis and I accepted who I am. But now I feel like I'm going through another one. So what does this second identity crisis deal with?
I am American born Chinese, or for short, an ABC. I was born and raised in San Diego. Back in the 90s, there really wasn't much Asians that I knew of. Mainly people were either Caucasians or Pacific Islander. And of course there were many Vietnamese Immigrants. But Chinese? There were hardly any that were 100% Chinese. While I was in elementary school, I mainly spoke English and I remember asking my parents why I can't speak English to them. And their excuse/reason was because they don't understand it so at home I spoke Cantonese. Well, elementary school went by and then came middle school.
Middle school was where everyone conformed into society. You had to be up to date with the latest gossip, school-wise and celebrity-wise. You also had to be up to date with music. In elementary school and 6th grade it was Backstreet Boys, Nsync, Britney Spears (we all know what happened to her), Christina Aguilera, 98 Degrees, etc etc. Then Lil' Bow Wow and rap started hitting mainstream and people started getting into that. Well, I was no different in 6th or 7th grade. Listening to that stuff and doing what other people were doing. Heck, there was a time that I was a wannabe gangster.
But everything started changing in 7th grade. Dad's friend's friend's son got a full ride to UCSD from Hong Kong. I remember that year too because he came one day right before 9/11. I believe that everything is fated to happen. He introduced me to 叱o 宅903 a popular radio station in Hong Kong. The first song that I listened to from there was 楊千嬅's 野孩子 and I fell in love with it. And it probably will be one of my favorite songs for like. Like they say, 先入為主. Then that summer we went to Hong Kong and China for vacation and I got even more interested in Chinese music. It wasn't that I didn't listen to it before. But I heard was oldies that my dad listens to and 四大天王 and although I had some favorite songs by them, it wasn't enough for me to spark an interest in the Chinese entertainment.
And this is how everything started. Now I've become quite informed of the Chinese Entertainment Circle (mainly Hong Kong's and some of Taiwan's). Which leads me to my identity crisis.
I was born and raised as an ABC, can't change that fact. But after one year of college (and of course high school involving the internet and meeting net friends) I cannot figure out where I belong. In short, I'm too FOB to be an ABC, and yet at the same time I'm too ABC to be a FOB. From what many of my friends say, by appearance, I look like I came from Hong Kong. I even speak Cantonese with barely an accent and I can even type Chinese (evidence above). Well yeah...I mean it's on a blog on the computer, I could have typed it. But if you've talked to me on MSN and such, you'll know I can actually speak. And I can read Chinese. Yet at the same time I hold many morals, ideals, and some aspects of my life as an American. I mean, during the senior year of high school, I really did have thoughts about joining the National Guard/ Marines/ Navy/ Army. I went through an internal debate on that and in the end decided not to. One reason is because my parents will disapprove without a doubt (like that has ever stopped me before). Second reason is because I don't think I'm tall enough and am not physically capable (though it probably wouldn't be a problem if I really wanted to join, except the height factor). And plus, one cannot really adapt a culture. Which in many cases when some of my "FOB" friends (no offense, it's just to make things more understandable) have conversations about Hong Kong or Guang Zhou, I don't understand because I never been through it.
So really, where do I stand in all this? If there was a place in the world where many people are like me, not knowing where they actually belong or who they identify to be, it would make things so much simpler. But I highly doubt that there is such a utopia. And all this leads to my future. Do I want to stay in the US? Or do I want to go to HK? But is HK really for me? Or am I destined to be somewhere else? But where is that 'somewhere else'? How I wish I knew answers to all these questions.....
I am American born Chinese, or for short, an ABC. I was born and raised in San Diego. Back in the 90s, there really wasn't much Asians that I knew of. Mainly people were either Caucasians or Pacific Islander. And of course there were many Vietnamese Immigrants. But Chinese? There were hardly any that were 100% Chinese. While I was in elementary school, I mainly spoke English and I remember asking my parents why I can't speak English to them. And their excuse/reason was because they don't understand it so at home I spoke Cantonese. Well, elementary school went by and then came middle school.
Middle school was where everyone conformed into society. You had to be up to date with the latest gossip, school-wise and celebrity-wise. You also had to be up to date with music. In elementary school and 6th grade it was Backstreet Boys, Nsync, Britney Spears (we all know what happened to her), Christina Aguilera, 98 Degrees, etc etc. Then Lil' Bow Wow and rap started hitting mainstream and people started getting into that. Well, I was no different in 6th or 7th grade. Listening to that stuff and doing what other people were doing. Heck, there was a time that I was a wannabe gangster.
But everything started changing in 7th grade. Dad's friend's friend's son got a full ride to UCSD from Hong Kong. I remember that year too because he came one day right before 9/11. I believe that everything is fated to happen. He introduced me to 叱o 宅903 a popular radio station in Hong Kong. The first song that I listened to from there was 楊千嬅's 野孩子 and I fell in love with it. And it probably will be one of my favorite songs for like. Like they say, 先入為主. Then that summer we went to Hong Kong and China for vacation and I got even more interested in Chinese music. It wasn't that I didn't listen to it before. But I heard was oldies that my dad listens to and 四大天王 and although I had some favorite songs by them, it wasn't enough for me to spark an interest in the Chinese entertainment.
And this is how everything started. Now I've become quite informed of the Chinese Entertainment Circle (mainly Hong Kong's and some of Taiwan's). Which leads me to my identity crisis.
I was born and raised as an ABC, can't change that fact. But after one year of college (and of course high school involving the internet and meeting net friends) I cannot figure out where I belong. In short, I'm too FOB to be an ABC, and yet at the same time I'm too ABC to be a FOB. From what many of my friends say, by appearance, I look like I came from Hong Kong. I even speak Cantonese with barely an accent and I can even type Chinese (evidence above). Well yeah...I mean it's on a blog on the computer, I could have typed it. But if you've talked to me on MSN and such, you'll know I can actually speak. And I can read Chinese. Yet at the same time I hold many morals, ideals, and some aspects of my life as an American. I mean, during the senior year of high school, I really did have thoughts about joining the National Guard/ Marines/ Navy/ Army. I went through an internal debate on that and in the end decided not to. One reason is because my parents will disapprove without a doubt (like that has ever stopped me before). Second reason is because I don't think I'm tall enough and am not physically capable (though it probably wouldn't be a problem if I really wanted to join, except the height factor). And plus, one cannot really adapt a culture. Which in many cases when some of my "FOB" friends (no offense, it's just to make things more understandable) have conversations about Hong Kong or Guang Zhou, I don't understand because I never been through it.
So really, where do I stand in all this? If there was a place in the world where many people are like me, not knowing where they actually belong or who they identify to be, it would make things so much simpler. But I highly doubt that there is such a utopia. And all this leads to my future. Do I want to stay in the US? Or do I want to go to HK? But is HK really for me? Or am I destined to be somewhere else? But where is that 'somewhere else'? How I wish I knew answers to all these questions.....
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