There is a chance and there's a testing period for it.

Many have said if there is a need for a testing period, then it isn't love. Yeah, that may be true. But a testing period can also help make certain of things. If things just don't work out, then they don't work out and we can move on and not dwell back onto the past. Thus there are no what could have been or would have been.

So many thoughts are floating through my mind. Thoughts that I can't even put into words. There are too many things that can happen. Until we sit down together and have a face to face talk, my mind won't be in a clearing.

A soul that has found a place but unsure if it will stay.

Irony of Life

Irony is life.
Life is ironic.

We've said similar statements like "It won't happen." "No way this is ever gonna happen." But that's the irony in life. What you say "won't" somehow becomes "will."

I remember when I first met Jane. I knew her through facebook, but I knew one of her high school friends. Her friend always made fun of me saying how Jane and I will be together and such. But at that time, I always said "that will never happen."

Well guess what, karma is coming back at me now. During the first quarter, I would try to avoid Jane and not be close to her. But now, somehow I'm not doing that anymore. Instead, I'm more caring.

So....what am I feeling? I know it cannot possibly be because I like her. One reason, because I just barely got pass of Heki. Second reason, I just stopped seeing Jane's bad points and going to neutral. So I'm in the phase of figuring out if Jane is just a friend, or something more.

Irony and Karma sure do work hand in hand.

我用別人的快樂來掩藏我的傷悲。
現在可能是一件好事﹐
但是我知道長久來說是一件壞事。
如果還有甚麼會勾起我悲傷的事﹐
一定會令我感到不能說的痛。

I didn't know I could do it.
I didn't tell myself to do it.
But I guess my subconscious did.

I haven't really talked or contacted her for almost a week. Even on Tuesday when we had class together. I had my bag on the seat to my right because I was saving it. For who, no one in particular really, just whoever came and wanted to sit there. Then Heki came to class that day. She saw me and so she chose to sit in the same row, except she sat in the seat next to my bag, which was an edge seat. I realized that, then I picked up my bag and removed it from the seat to indicate that it wasn't taken. But she didn't move. And I didn't really care. Normally seeing her I would somehow always manage to talk and talk, but this time around, I didn't. I just went on and kept doing sudoku. Even after I finished, I didn't talk to her. Instead, I took a nap. ( It was a boring lecture, what do you expect?) And to top that, I even purposely left 5 minutes earlier than when class ended. My excuse to myself was because I needed to get a seat in my next class. But in the back of my head I know it was because I didn't want to talk to her for some reason. Before I made that decision, I even debated in my head whether or not to stay until class ended and have a quick chat, but I guess my heart felt otherwise.

Normally on Thursdays I would hang around her dorm between the time of 4:30 - 5:00pm because my 4:30 is close by and my 5:10 class is right across from her dorm building. Yet this Thursday I didn't. My excuse this time was purposely leaving my math book in my own dorm room and going back for it before going to my 5:10 class.

From the beginning I didn't want to play the avoiding game, but I guess now I am. I guess it is true that you never know what will happen in the future, not even your own actions.

Rebuilding my soul.

I was once a hopeless romantic.
What has happened to that part of me now?

Still a lost soul.

I thought I let it go...but I guess I haven't.
If I did, they I wouldn't be feeling what I'm feeling right now.

Jealousy.

What am I jealous about? I don't actually know....but I know that if I'm jealous, that shows that I haven't let her go yet. But I assume since it's cause I can never be with her.....I only can hope for the next best thing, which is being her closest friend. But it seems that I can never be that now....and I'm probably jealous that I'm not the one she's closest with.

Why can't I just stop feeling all together so I don't have to bother with all this?

Spring break is coming soon. I really think I need. Get away from school, away from her. Yeah, there's a chance she might be going to San Diego for spring break. But even a few days away and thoughts about her not being around will hopefully make me feel better. I think at Davis since I could just bike to her dorm and be there in less than 5 minutes makes everything different. Also due to the fact that we have a class together doesn't make it any better.

But next school year we'll be seeing each other every single day. How will that make it better? It might not make it better, but at least I know it won't make things work.

On a side note....whenever I'm down, it seems that no matter how down nor depressed I am, somehow, someway.... I still seem to be able to put on a mask. Living like this is stressful.

Life is stressful and complicated.