I'm suddenly feeling down for no reason.
I want to just hide.
I don't want to be found.
I just want to disappear.

But where can I disappear to?

可不可不撐下去

Happy.
Relaxed.
Laughing.

That's what I am seem to be.
But on the inside...I'm feeling emotions completely different. Thinking thoughts I never thought I would think of.

I'm not who I seem to be anymore.

At this moment, I've been having thoughts about giving up. Giving up what? Giving up college. But giving up college would mean giving up my future, my life. In high school I felt stressed, but that kind of stress I could actually feel and I used that stress as my motivation to keep on going. But now in college....I feel like I'm carrying a very heavy baggage on my shoulders that I can't put it down so I can rest a bit. If I put down the baggage to rest a little, I will fall behind and lose time. But at the same time I feel like if I don't put it down, the baggage will soon overtake me and choke me to death.

On the inside, I feel like giving up. Giving up everything that I have gained here. College is fun. The people you meet here, you won't forget them. But I don't know how much longer I can handle the workload. I really really want to get just away from everything and relax. Do what I want and not feel like I'm being pulled down. I've been giving it all my best, but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough here.

In high school probably because I knew there were people who weren't as academically successful as I, which was probably, needless to say, a motivation for me to keep on going, or in other words...my subconscious probably is showing off how smart I supposedly am. But in college...I feel like I dropped to the bottom of the barrel. I don't seem to be as academically successful as I used to be. I can't find any motivation for myself to keep going anymore.

The thought of actually dropping out of college did occur to me. But there are so many factors that prevents me from doing so. One, I'm the oldest of my family and the first to go to college. Two, I need to set an example for my sisters and guide them through the rest of their lives so they won't have such a hard time adjusting. Three, if I do drop out, my family would lose face and other family members would start talking crap and there comes family drama.

Plus, due to the fact I have no idea what to major in leaves me in a blur for my future. Yeah, I'm a declared Computer Science Engineer. But I can't picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Basically, I don't seem to have a goal in life anymore.

Can I just stop and not keeping going?
可不可不撐下去。


I'm a lost soul.

祝我生日快樂

Valentine's Day wasn't that bad this year. Instead, I felt the spirit of Valentine's Day even though I didn't have a valentine's. But I did get a Valentine's Day present =] Thank you Tricia for the teddy bear with chocolate ^^ 甜倒入心

So for Valentine's Day, had my pass to register for classes at 8am. Then after that had breakfast and then came back to the room and made a call to Chautauqua Apartments. We got an apartment now, so we're good to go for next year. ^^ No more looking for backups, lol. Had classes, then went to take a look at the apartment, and accepted the lease. Will be signing the lease on Tuesday. In general, had a productive day.

What brought a smile upon my face was that in ECS today, Heki actually sat next to me. That action already made me feel lucky. But then we just started to talk and whisper without listening to lecture. I didn't hope for much on Valentine's Day except to see her in class. But her sitting next to me and us having a conversation and seeing her.....just made my day much much better. I still like her, but not as much. After all, it is Valentine's Day, a day you want to spend with someone special to you.

But, also had a Valentine's Day dinner with Joan, Toby, Emily, Peggy, Laura, Lisa, and Cara + BF (Ah Lok). We went to Jusco and had all-you-can eat sushi. It was fun and relaxing overall =] Spent about 2.3 hours eating and talking.

What was more surprising was that The Gang (Roommates [Shirley + Jane], Whitney, Jonathan, Kevin, and Hieu) gave me a surprise......while I was walking down the hall to go shower o_o. All were present except for Kevin =P I somewhat expected it.....since they were all acting kinda funny, but still a nice surprise nonetheless. ^^ I mean....would you ever think of getting surprised while you were walking down the hall casually to go shower and carrying clothes in one hand, a towel over your right shoulder and carrying a bag of shower stuff in another? Pretty creative place to give a surprise, haha. But they got me a shaker! =D Now all I need is the alcohol to put it to use =D

Overall....good day today =]

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day

情人節快樂

一個人的情人節


The Best Mistake I've Ever Made

詞曲：Vincent Degiorgio/Bryan Potvin/Dave Pickell
編曲：N/A

One step too far
All at once I'm falling
Just like a star
I'm burning for you
Thought I could keep myself from feeling this way
I guess that was my first mistake

Cause suddenly I'm walking'
Down a dark street to your door
Wanting you is driving' me insane
And now my feet are standing
Where they've never stood before
Guided by a twist of fate

If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I ever made

I'm in your room
Now there's no denying'
What's in your eyes
When I look at you
Two shadows talking' but they don't make a sound
Words have lost their meaning now

And the air has turned electric
Now I know the time is right
To put myself into your hands
And suddenly I'm shaking'
As your fingers touch my skin
I don't need to understand

But If I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I won't be afraid
Cause even if my heart should break
You'd be the best mistake I ever made

And if tomorrow proves me wrong
I swear I don't belong
I know I'll carry on

So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I'm so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I'll always say
You're the best mistake I ever made
You're the best mistake I ever made
You're the best mistake I ever made (I ever made)

人間蒸發

I want to 人間蒸發.
I want to clear my mind.
I want to let myself go.
I want to feel again.

I want to feel the feeling of being loved again.
I want to feel the feeling of being missed again.
I want to feel the feeling of being important again.
I want to find the other half of my soul.

I want to find love again.
I want to complete my soul.
I want to have someone to care for.
I want someone to care for me.

I'm still searching for life.....
What am I living for?
Who am I living for?
Is the world worth living for?

Letting Go Once and For All

I can officially say that I can once and for all let go now.

Tonight while playing Truth or Dare, Cara asked Heki "Are you Bi?" Heki straight-forwardly and firmly answered "No." Cara and Joan re-questioned here "How/Why are you so sure?" Heki reply was because she know she isn't Bi.

The question was important nevertheless, but my reaction to the whole situation is the key point I'm trying to bring up. After hearing Heki's answer to the straight, I felt nothing. I am supposed to feel heart-broken, like my heart was torn or something. But I felt nothing. So it doesn't matter to me now if Heki knows I'm gay (which she pretty much does now), if she knows I like her, nor if she's Bi/Gay.

I'm letting go of my emotions for her and moving on. She's just a good friend. She will always be a good friend and nothing more.

On a side note, Joan and Toby gave me 『明目張膽』and 送得好岩。Don't understand why? Read the lyrics below and you'll understand.

明目張膽
作詞：黃偉文　
作曲：張佳添＠宇宙大爆炸　
編曲：青山大樂隊

等　終於到夜深
才能收集上次你　留在飯店那紙巾
夜更深　不敢送贈的吻
全憑我手中的偷拍照　營造著你那體溫

＊我　如果想一世人　和你過
平時就要企後幾吋　去幻想　別要摸

＃若有　一天公開　明目張膽的愛
我怕會讓你　太意外
我的愛　只願　縮到最小　彷彿不存在
就算　我最愛你　情願好好遮蓋
化作了密碼　不公開
我一向　都慣自言自語　沒別人愛
難道你發覺我志在　就會肯滿足這期待
如若我也有權愛　同樣我也有權不必被愛

揀　偏僻角落坐
完全袒露就怕我　全部被你看情楚
待你好　只不過是幫我
成為我愛演的一個我　其實未算太坎坷

Repeat＊＃

暗裡進行更自在　不相戀　誰會受害
但願盡情地種　誰說花　需要開

若我　一天公開　明目張膽的愛
我怕會讓你　太意外
我的愛　只願　縮到最小　彷彿不存在
就算　我最愛你　情願好好遮蓋
我怕揭露了　不精彩
拆穿了　總盼望誰在意　蜜月難再
如若你發覺有我在　就結束暗戀的時代
無謂去博你憐愛　明白叫你太煩的　不是愛

如若我也有權愛　同樣我也有權揀　怎樣愛

I think she knows now. I think she knows that I'm not straight. A part of me feels kinda relax that she knows now, yet it hasn't been confirmed if she minds or not. If I don't get that confirmation...I'll still feel kinda unsure how to act around her.

Today, Toby, Joan, Peggy, Laura, Heki and I were just hanging out. We sat in Thompson lounge and talked...or at least attempt to find topics to talk about. Basically Joan was bringing up all the questions and directing them towards Heki, Peggy and Laura to answer. Well...it was directed towards everyone but those three talked the least. During this "hea" period.....I noticed that Heki didn't seem too open to give much details about stuff she said. Maybe its cause I know she takes awhile to warm up to people. I'm just one of those exceptions.

Also, during this whole night I would take glimpses of her....and sometimes I would see her look my way. Maybe I can finally let go and let it flow and just be friends with her without having other thoughts. Cause during this whole glimpsing.... I felt like I can let go of her and just be friends now. Hopefully I'm right.

Oh....and I found out the attributes she looks for in an ideal partner. They must be taller than her, have something that they're good at, be good in badminton, and some other stuff I don't quite remember. Since the three I already listed.......I would never be able to fulfill them. So....why should I even bother continuing thinking that I still have a minor chance?

Time to let go.