It's the 4th week of school now and yet I decide to finally sit next to Heki in class. Why is that? I mean all the other times I would be sitting in the back, and she doesn't see me so she sits near the front. Same thing happened again today....but why did I pick up my stuff and move to the seat next to her?

Maybe cause I haven't sat next to her in class for the longest time, thus while there....I felt some things. I haven't written poetry for the longest time, yet in class today I suddenly started writing again.....she was dozing off so she didn't see the poem I'm assuming. Even if she did, she made no gesture to try and read it.

So near yet so far...
So close yet cannot approach...
The pain devours all my thoughts...
The suffering devours all my senses...
How I wish I could just reach out and grab your hand...
But reality of my brain overtakes the feelings of my heart...
Everyone, everywhere seems to be you...
Every thought, every image consists of you...
Why did I fall for you?
How am I supposed to feel when I am with you?
What am I to act like around you?
When will this pain and suffering subside?
Who am I to you?
And I ponder off if you ever think about me the way I think about you...

After class ended something happened.

I asked her how long she was going to be in the computer lab for and she said around dinner time which was 5ish. So then I asked her who she's having dinner with. She said with "them." But who this "them" with I had no idea so I just thought it was with her dorm mates. Then I asked her if she wanted to have dinner together tonight.....but then she said "it's friday isn't it?" I got confused for a bit, then I realized what she was talking about, which was the dinner get-together with our roommates for next year.

Not long after, we got out of the classroom and I went to the restroom. Since she didn't follow in I assumed she left already, but when I left the restroom, she was outside waiting with two of her other friends. I assumed she was waiting for someone else or something else, so I just walked passed then with a semi-wave to her, but I highly doubt she saw it. At the moment I passed by them, I saw her brushing her hand against one of her friend's face. This is just a small gesture that probably didn't mean anything, but somehow, someway I felt like my heart suddenly dropped and became really heavy.

I really wonder why I felt like I had 失戀 when in reality there isn't a relationship going on.

Though I don't really know why I had that feeling, but it made me realize that she actually means something to me. What she means to me though....I have no idea yet. More than a friend...probably. But as a lover? I don't know if its up to that point yet. I won't deny that the feelings for her is still here.

But after feelings like I had just 失戀......maybe its time for me to let these feelings go so I don't fall deeper and farther than I should. After all.....a future with each other for three years is a lot.....who will know what might happen......

Valentine's Day is coming up soon. I thought about being a mystery person and sending Heki something.....But I'm having lots of second thoughts about it.

I want to send her something to let her know that she has a Valentine and she won't be having a lonely Valentine's Day. But on the other hand, I don't want to because I'm scared she'll find out that I'm the mystery person. Yeah, at one point I wanted her to know I like her, but now since we're going to be living together for 3 years.....I'm having second thoughts.

I haven't moved my feelings for her in either direction. But I can't just let it go just like that. The only for that to happen is if I find a new target. Which isn't impossible....but the chances of that happening in the very near future is really slim. Yet I can't pursue my feelings for her because it would seem very awkward. Heck, I don't even know if she minds, but at least I don't think she does.

But these past 2 weekends have been really neat. I don't feel as alone anymore. There are people I can actually talk to about my relationships stuff and will actually understand =]. These aren't really new friendships, but rather more developed friendships. Getting to know these people more is awesome. And basically I'm out to more people now. Yet the funny thing is....pretty much all my future roommates know I'm not straight....except for Heki o_o.

Oh, the irony of life.

How do you know when you've actually let go of someone?

I broke my own goal this week. I messaged her tonight, but it was to talk about 'business' so I'm not sure if it counts as me breaking my own goal....but to me it seems like it. =/

So how do I know that I've actually let go of her? And not try to think of her as more than a friend? Considering the fact that if I don't let go of her sooner or later....living with her might be awkward. Though knowing my own personality, on the outside it won't seem like there is anything wrong with me, but on the inside I know I will be torn apart.

Maybe that's why I decided to keep myself busy this quarter. Yeah, I say I'm taking so many classes cause I can only work under pressure, but is that really what my subconscious thinks?

Need to blog this before I forget what happened o_o
So last night I had one of the weirdest dream. It was weird in a way that I never thought I would have a dream like this. Not weird in the way with monsters and such. And I'm pretty damn sure I woke up smiling o_o

The explicit details I don't quite remember. But basically in the dream, Heki and I were sleeping on the same bed. First I was sleeping then she came on the bed and had her head the other way on the opposite end. So then I moved so that I was facing her. When I faced her, I saw her smiling at me and I ask her "Hm? What's up?" But she just kept on smiling and said "Nothing." Somehow in the dream I felt that she wanted to tell me she likes me or rather...make me say I like her. But the distance between our faces was pretty damn close. So close.....that I'm pretty sure if one of use moved....something would happen.

That is pretty much all I can remember from the dream. But seriously, it seemed so real. I don't remember if I was dreaming...or if it was in reality that I told myself that I needed to call Tricia and tell her. It was literally that real.

I think I'm traveling into different dimensions while I'm asleep o_o.

It's pretty much 90% confirmed that I will be living with Heki and Peggy. Knowing myself, if I am bound to see the person or talk to the person more in the future, I will not allow myself to do anything out of the ordinary, ie. allowing Heki to know about my feelings for her. I told Peggy about my feelings for Heki during winter break, but whether or not she remembers remains a mystery to me because she said that she usually forgets about it after she wakes up. Since she hasn't brought up the topic or anything of the sort, I'll just leave it as if she hasn't forgotten it and doesn't know.

I was reading my textbook and somehow I drifted off to start daydreaming. Although this was at like 2 in the morning, so whether its daydreaming or not is debatable. Basically my mind wandered off to picturing myself in a relationship with another person rather than Heki. And this person was Taiwanese. Why is it significant that the person has to be Taiwanese? Well....because my mandarin ain't that great, thus when Heki first heard it, she laughed. Which is now why I won't speak any mandarin when I am with Heki, Peggy or Laura.

But during that "daydreaming," I wondered what reactions I would receive if the person suddenly called me while I was with Heki and Peggy and I answered in mandarin and was sweet talking. Peggy's reactions wouldn't concern me as much as Heki's though. I can wonder all I want...but that's about all I can do. Will it happen, is another story.

There is no doubt that I want to be in a relationship right now. Reasons why? I'm uncertain but there are probably a few factors: Some probably include: the longing of having someone to lean on; longing of having someone that I feel comfortable with physically and mentally; longing to feel that I have an important place in someone's heart; and the longing to just love and feel complete.

Heki might have just been an easy target for me because of the concerns she gave me. Her offer to sleep on the same bed with her just made everything...different. I'm not the type that can just sleep with any of my friends, especially with those whom don't know one of my biggest secrets in life. It makes me feel that I'm somehow "taking advantage" when we sleep on the same bed, even though I'm not. I don't know how they would think of me after. But its not just sleeping on the same bed factor that attracts me to her. Its probably because she came into my life at the time where I feel incomplete.

I am going to set a goal for myself this week.
Goal: Do not take the initiative to MSN, call (phone), or see Heki this whole week (unless its in the classes we have together).
I know I said I would not pursue or suppress my feelings for Heki, but that does not me I would be able to stop thinking about her nor stop contacting her. I believe that if I don't take the initiative to contact her in anyway, my feelings and thoughts of her would slowly subside.

Will it work? I have no clue.

On a sidenote.....
Heki asked me if I wanted to live with her next year. Though she asked it as a general question to a few of us, I felt lost. I wouldn't know how to answer her question if she asked one on one. If she asked me a month ago, I would have probably said "sure, why not?" straight up. But now, I have to take into concern my feelings for her. I don't want to agree to it when I know I have feelings for her. But if I don't agree now, then I most likely might not have anyone to live with next year. What would happen if I agree now and then couple of weeks later, she somehow finds out that I have/had feelings for her? How would she react? All the possible questions that could come up......but no hints on what the answers will be.

Let it flow...

時間經已證明係唔會發生。
不會發生既事永遠係唔會發生所以唔雖要在阨自己。

Time has already shown that it will never happen.
What will never happen won't ever happen and there is no need to lie to myself anymore that it could happen.

And the story goes....

I thank Tricia for being a really good friend. She let me borrow her charm necklace. This charm necklace has the power of answering yes or no questions.

It was winter break and I went back to San Diego. So I thought I could use this time to wash away my feelings for Heki. It worked, really it was starting to work. Then Tricia informed me that she found this charm necklace while back in Hawaii. After we got back to Davis, she let me borrow and use it. I'm really grateful for that.

Basically my main question was 'Does Heki like me?' Unexpectingly, the charm necklace answered yes. So I asked it a few more times, and it was the same answer. As days go by, each night I would go to Tricia's place and borrow the necklace and keep asking it questions, mostly concerning Heki and my love life.

Wednesday came along. Tuesday night I asked if I would see Heki on Wednesday, and the answer was a no. So throughout the day I wasn't expecting and seeing Heki. Then, I see her. This started proving the answers on the necklace were incorrect. Feelings and thoughts were running through my mind that I couldn't comprehend anymore. So it was back to the necklace again. But what didn't happen that night wasn't important.

Thursday, the day our Chemistry Placement Exam scores comes out. Tuesday night I remember asking the necklace questions concerning how Heki would do on it and if she would stay in Davis for this weekend. Answers were: Heki would not pass the placement exam and that she would stay in Davis for the weekend.

But it proved to be wrong once again. Heki passed the placement exam and should be going home this weekend.

Even before all this happened, I was overwhelmed with all the answers I was getting to my questions. So I asked myself, "真的會發生嗎?" And told myself, "就讓時間告訴我們。"

And proved to be true now, if some things aren't meant to be, then they will never be. We can always lie to ourselves and find comfort in answers we want to hear. But reality will always be reality.

After this event, not that I won't use Tricia's necklace anymore (I still will, most likely), I can finally let my curiosity rest. I had thoughts about if there will ever be a "we" with Heki and I. And can/will Heki and I be together? But now I know the answers. Whether or not we will be isn't important anymore. What is meant to be will be. What isn't meant to be won't be. Now I can fully let go of my feelings for her.

By "letting go" I mean by just letting things flow. My feelings....I won't suppress them nor will I pursue them. I will just let them be. But I won't deny that at this moment I still do like her, more than just a friend. But will I later?

順其自然吧~

A new blog....well, not really. But a new start at least.
Memories cannot be erased, but I can put them behind me.
This is just for random thoughts and to jot down random spur of the moment emotions that I don't know how to tell people.
Hopefully this will allow me to be able to keep my "Everything is fine" mask on most of the time.