可不可不撐下去

Happy.
Relaxed.
Laughing.

That's what I am seem to be.
But on the inside...I'm feeling emotions completely different. Thinking thoughts I never thought I would think of.

I'm not who I seem to be anymore.

At this moment, I've been having thoughts about giving up. Giving up what? Giving up college. But giving up college would mean giving up my future, my life. In high school I felt stressed, but that kind of stress I could actually feel and I used that stress as my motivation to keep on going. But now in college....I feel like I'm carrying a very heavy baggage on my shoulders that I can't put it down so I can rest a bit. If I put down the baggage to rest a little, I will fall behind and lose time. But at the same time I feel like if I don't put it down, the baggage will soon overtake me and choke me to death.

On the inside, I feel like giving up. Giving up everything that I have gained here. College is fun. The people you meet here, you won't forget them. But I don't know how much longer I can handle the workload. I really really want to get just away from everything and relax. Do what I want and not feel like I'm being pulled down. I've been giving it all my best, but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough here.

In high school probably because I knew there were people who weren't as academically successful as I, which was probably, needless to say, a motivation for me to keep on going, or in other words...my subconscious probably is showing off how smart I supposedly am. But in college...I feel like I dropped to the bottom of the barrel. I don't seem to be as academically successful as I used to be. I can't find any motivation for myself to keep going anymore.

The thought of actually dropping out of college did occur to me. But there are so many factors that prevents me from doing so. One, I'm the oldest of my family and the first to go to college. Two, I need to set an example for my sisters and guide them through the rest of their lives so they won't have such a hard time adjusting. Three, if I do drop out, my family would lose face and other family members would start talking crap and there comes family drama.

Plus, due to the fact I have no idea what to major in leaves me in a blur for my future. Yeah, I'm a declared Computer Science Engineer. But I can't picture myself doing that for the rest of my life. Basically, I don't seem to have a goal in life anymore.

Can I just stop and not keeping going?
可不可不撐下去。


I'm a lost soul.